Ran across this quote this morning.....funny that I know this is true but find it so hard to do. As a psychology major who once wanted to be a therapist you would think I would find this easy to do - share our story, communicate with my loved ones........ which is what the purpose of this blog is! Sure I update my loved ones and a few select others about the procedures, test results, doctors recommendations.....but I never discuss my feelings, my fears, my hopes....and I still have not found the strength to share this blog - Im still not 100% sure i want my family reading this bc I worry that they will worry about me and thats the last thing I want them to do....
Most importantly, I have realized that I find it hard to communicate with my husband about it....we have spoke very little about the what ifs or the what now, just kinda going with the flow and hoping for the best. We both are typically very "blunt" and out spoken, but at the same time we both try very hard to keep each other happy and feelings safe from harm (if that makes sense) so i think this is where the communication issues comes in.....I intend to get my husbands permission before i post this blog publicly to our friends and family with our information on it but i cant even find the strength to show him the blog in fear that it will upset him. We left an appointment on Wednesday after my husbands MRI results where we were still left with no answers and we hardly spoke a word to each other.... I know I cant begin to imagine what is going through his head and I want so bad to reassure him that everything is okay but then I feel like I will be that person that says to me "everything is gonna be fine, everything happens for a reason" and I think "easy for you to say". Just as Im at a loss as to what to say to him I know that he isnt really sure what to say to me. I hate that he is bearing the burden of him having the problem that is keeping us from having biological children (although we know that I still have my own issues that may have the same result), and I know that having biological children means alot to him.....
I think the worst part is that we dont know why! MRI shows his pituitary gland looks good, there is no indication of blockages, but his T levels remain low and he has a non existent sperm count. With me we know what my issues are, we know i have Endometriosis and Ovarian Cysts...we know that my follicles do not want to produce an egg..so its a little easier to understand and to cope with. We have all kinds of possible answers but nothing definite, nothing we know how to fix....
After two months of high dose clomid with no results, we have one last treatment plan that consist of Nolvarel & Repronex. If this doesnt work or we are not able to afford the treatment (as its not covered by our insurance) we are at a dead end, and we will need to start Greg on Testosterone Replacement Therapy to get him back to feeling normal. Unfortunately once he begins that we will need to begin considering other options such as adoption and communication between Greg and I will be more important than ever and the support from our friends and family is gonna be crucial through the process.
I am so grateful for those that take a second to listen to me and let me "vent" or talk myself through the process....it is what gets me through the day. Now to work on being able to do that with my husband so we can get through our battle together and do what is best for us!
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SIDE NOTE ~ if you know someone battling infertility I found this great article about what to say and not to say to a couple trying to conceive, its so easy to try to console your friend and understand we know you mean well but it may actually do more harm than good...this is a huge reason i have decided to limit what I talk about to others and limit who i talk too....
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/the-mommy-docs/5-things-to-never-say-to-a-friend-trying-to-conceive_b_3443976.html
