It's been a while......

The last 4 weeks of my life have been the most chaotic, stressful, and overwhelming. So much so that the "fertility" stuff took a back seat for a couple weeks ~ which I cant say was a bad thing because the fertility stuff was about to drive me insane. I sat down to right a post several times but I never completed one because although I use this a stress reliever, it actually started stressing me out more thinking about everything at once so I decided to wait on the posts until I was mentally in a better place.

My Aunt (who I mentioned in my last post) passed away September 15th. It is so hard to lose someone you love, but I realized it so much harder watching you loved ones suffer and watching your surviving loved ones hurt. She held on for over 2 weeks in hospice, most of which my mother and my aunt sat at side. As much as I hate that place "hospice" I tried to be there as much as possible to be there for my mom. We did have a few "minor" family meltdown but NOTHING like I was afraid of. I was expecting another World War, but everyone did try their best to understand that everyone grieves in different ways.

Unfortunately we have a few family members that rely on drugs and alcohol to grieve...

What Is Family???

Sometimes I feel so blessed to have such a large family. I have three sisters and a brother, all younger and all of which I am very close to and can not imagine them not being a part of my life. My mom and dad (step father) have been together for over 20 years and are a huge support system for Greg and I.  I have amazing in laws and I could not have imagined myself marrying someone that didn't value family as I do. I love and cherish my family through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Sometimes its just so hard.......

 On my dads side, my grandparents are still living and still married!!! I communicate almost on a weekly basis with most of my cousins and I know that I can count on them for anything and call them any time of the day or night. I must credit my grandparents for showing us that unconditional love and support all of our lives and teaching us to have love and compassion. I always tell people that I could be a serial killer and my grandmother would still love me (now dont get me wrong, she might hunt me down and take me out herself but she will do it out of love). But she has taught us although we make mistakes and we may not live and do things the way she would like, we are human and that she will love us through it all and try her best to guide us in the right direction. But what ever direction we choose we always know that our grandparents will be there and give us the guidance or discipline we need to do the right thing. We all try to get together a couple holidays a year, attend birthday parties, and take the kids places together. When tragedy strikes this family comes together without asking questions and we grow stronger by helping each other.

My mom's side...........well that's a completely different story.

Happy Birthday to Me!!

I must say my husband out did his self this year! Under normal circumstances I enjoy planning stuff and getting together with family and friends, however the last year I have found it overwhelming and stressful and I have not enjoyed having the responsibility of making sure everyone is invited, shows up, and has transportation. Not to mention the anxiety I get in having to entertain people and be my happy normal self. This weekend reminded me that I have the most awesome friends and family and how much they care and make me happy :) It also reminded my that our infertility is just a part of our life and I can not let it define us, which is good timing because Fall is a busy party planning time for me ~ my youngest niece turns 2 on Sunday, Im planning a baby shower for late Sept/early Octoberish, (yes i know a baby shower....yikes...but since its for someone that would do the same for me I know it will all be worth it and I will be glad I did), and our annual Halloween Party......so I will be a busy little bee!!! But anyway, back to the birthday festivities....

Greg had asked me what I wanted for my birthday several times and I told him that a simple dinner and movie would be fine with me and that I didn't need a big production for the big 32! Obviously he thought I deserved more ~ at first the anxiety took over when I realized he was planning weekend festivities....on Thursday I had a little pep talk with myself and made a decision that I was going to enjoy this weekend and just go with the flow with no expectations for the weekend but just enjoy it and be grateful that Greg was putting in effort to do something for me.

After a day of birthday festivities at work,

Emotions of Infertility.....Loss

Many of the feelings of loss are still "what ifs" and are fueled by anxiety.  Its so easy for someone on the outside to say, "you still have options"..."this worked for this person"..."but you can still adopt"...... They dont think about what a couple is going through internally when faced with the reality and having to make decisions about where to go from here. Whether it is deciding what to try next or having to deal with the reality of a treatment not working the one thing in the back of our minds is "what if we cant".

The first feelings of loss you feel is the feeling of self esteem & self worth ~ am I not good enough to have children...what did we do wrong...I cant give my husband/wife a child. In our case we both have our issues so we will always both have the worry or guilt of not being able to provide each other or our families with a child if we are unable to do so. I have found myself questioning every aspect of my life, wondering if there was anything we should have done, questioning my desire to have children, and even our ability to financially support a child. I was always 100% sure that I wanted children and to find myself questioning it now. I watch everyday as Greg becomes more and more unhappy with himself and blames himself. I try so hard to keep his spirits high and reassure him that it will all be okay but its so hard when sometimes I dont even believe it.

It must be in the water

and I must be on a separate water line.....

So my sister Amber (next to youngest sister & mom of my niece Mikaila) came by today to let me know that my little sister Jessi found out today that she was six weeks pregnant................let me rephrase that my little 17 YEAR OLD sister........

I swear this is the most unpredictable EMOTIONAL roller coaster I have ever been on. At first big sister/mother mode kicked in and my first question was "is she planning on finishing school??" All I have wanted for her for the longest time was to get through high school....Jessi has not had the easiest life and for several years she lived with me, and she was recently emancipated from her mother (our dad's widow). Greg and I were just talking about her last night about how proud we were of her and how happy we were that she was still in school and not into trouble and drugs. She has been with this guy for a while now and they were working on jobs and their own place prior to this so things were really looking up for Jessi. Obviously Im worried about her and Im scared for her because she has no clue what lies ahead but I have faith that it will all work out and I know she will need my support more now than ever. So the first 5 minutes consist of fear and worry......then came the auntie side of me thinking i needed to save all my stuff, shes gonna need lots of help, Im gonna have another niece/nephew to spoil & boy this is gonna be expensive lol......then came the dreaded sadness and pessimism about how unfair it is and why us. But this is not about us, she is pregnant now and she needs all the support she needs, and I HATE that she was worried about me and did not want to tell me because she didnt want to upset me (and probably didnt want to hear my usual sisterly lectures)...... Im sure she is scared, but im also sure she is excited at the same time and I dont ever want her to think that Im mad or upset with her because of it.

Im finding it harder and harder to control my emotions and anxiety, mainly because it seems like I feel so many different things at once.

A day with the nieces.....

Exhausted....... is what sums up today. Had a busy day with both of my 2 year old nieces today :) Those two little girls mean the world to me and I could not imagine my life without them.   My heart melted when my oldest niece, Evelyn, grabbed my face to kiss my "boo boo" on my face, and when my youngest niece, Mikaila, reached up to her "Uncle Greg" to pick her (although i was a little jealous bc she didnt want to come to me all day haha). That unconditional love of a child is something that can not be replaced, luckily Greg and I have these two little girls that give us that even though we are are just Aunt Stacy & Uncle Greg. It is also great that my siblings allow us to be such a big part of their lives.

Being with them is almost bittersweet, I makes me thank a lot about what we are missing out on with not having kids yet and how badly we want children of our own. It is never hard or depressing to be around them. They have a way of making my day better even if they run me to death. Its when they leave or I take them home that makes me sad, I can't wait till the day that we can be a part of a child's life and experience all of the firsts, to get to cuddle every night before bed, to get to hear them words mommy and daddy....

At the same time, knowing I have these two amazing little girls in my life, along with several other munchkins that belong to close friends and family, helps me realize that regardless of what our future holds I still have the opportunity to love an be loved by some awesome kiddos and enjoy days like today!!!!

                        Evelyn Marleigh <3                  Mikaila Brooke <3

       "i figured out that i can't compete with Dora, she always wins their attention :)"