It's been a while......

The last 4 weeks of my life have been the most chaotic, stressful, and overwhelming. So much so that the "fertility" stuff took a back seat for a couple weeks ~ which I cant say was a bad thing because the fertility stuff was about to drive me insane. I sat down to right a post several times but I never completed one because although I use this a stress reliever, it actually started stressing me out more thinking about everything at once so I decided to wait on the posts until I was mentally in a better place.

My Aunt (who I mentioned in my last post) passed away September 15th. It is so hard to lose someone you love, but I realized it so much harder watching you loved ones suffer and watching your surviving loved ones hurt. She held on for over 2 weeks in hospice, most of which my mother and my aunt sat at side. As much as I hate that place "hospice" I tried to be there as much as possible to be there for my mom. We did have a few "minor" family meltdown but NOTHING like I was afraid of. I was expecting another World War, but everyone did try their best to understand that everyone grieves in different ways.

Unfortunately we have a few family members that rely on drugs and alcohol to grieve...

Emotions of Infertility.....Loss

Many of the feelings of loss are still "what ifs" and are fueled by anxiety.  Its so easy for someone on the outside to say, "you still have options"..."this worked for this person"..."but you can still adopt"...... They dont think about what a couple is going through internally when faced with the reality and having to make decisions about where to go from here. Whether it is deciding what to try next or having to deal with the reality of a treatment not working the one thing in the back of our minds is "what if we cant".

The first feelings of loss you feel is the feeling of self esteem & self worth ~ am I not good enough to have children...what did we do wrong...I cant give my husband/wife a child. In our case we both have our issues so we will always both have the worry or guilt of not being able to provide each other or our families with a child if we are unable to do so. I have found myself questioning every aspect of my life, wondering if there was anything we should have done, questioning my desire to have children, and even our ability to financially support a child. I was always 100% sure that I wanted children and to find myself questioning it now. I watch everyday as Greg becomes more and more unhappy with himself and blames himself. I try so hard to keep his spirits high and reassure him that it will all be okay but its so hard when sometimes I dont even believe it.