Hopelessness

It has been a long time since my last "public" post. I say public because I have several "drafts" that I decided not to post. I sit here now and wonder why I even pulled up my blog because I have no intentions of sharing with the world how Im feeling. I refuse to show my weakness, and I do not want anyone feeling sorry for me. 

On April 8th, 2015, the day I got the official "NOT PREGNANT" from my first IUI, I lost all hope, I hit a wall and fell into a very dark place. I have held it together for so many years, always able to find happiness. But this day was the first time I truly struggled to act "normal", "happy", and like everything was okay. I told myself to just get through the day and everything would be okay....then just get through the week....the month.....and now 10 months later. I find my self wondering if it is ever going to be okay.

After fighting it for almost 6 years, I have let infertility define me and destroy my happiness. I know I should be grateful for all the things I have in my life, the awesome family & friends that love and care about me. But I feel like no one really knows me anymore, hell I don't even know myself. I cant drive down the street with out seeing a daddy helping his kids ride a bike, the pregnant neighbor that is glowing with happiness, the Facebook announcement about the couple that just started dating a few months ago that is expecting, without feeling bitter and sad.

I feel like everyone has these expectations of me to be the responsible, mature, organized, sane, loving, helpful person that I have always been when all I really want to do is say screw it all, quit my job, become a hermit, and run away from everyone and everything. I no longer enjoy being the one that everyone depends on, I no longer enjoy planning stuff. I get anxiety when I have to attend to family gatherings, birthday parties. I used to love buying birthday and baby shower presents but have found myself trying to avoid them. Before I just got a little anxiety and would just had to remind myself it would suck more if I missed getting to see my family or missed a birthday party, so I would suck it up and be fine...

I am so tired of hurting mentally and physically.  I'm tired of thinking about it...my brain and body shut down anytime I attempt to motivate myself to try again. I'm over complaining about my everyday aches and pains...almost like I tell myself if I don't talk about it, then it's not real. I'm tired of acting like I'm okay.

I feel so alone. I find myself purposely avoiding those closest to me, and I feel most normal when I'm around people that do not know my struggles. How can anyone understand if in don't understand myself? How can anyone make me feel better when there is no way possible to get me what I want...

I feel like a horrible person, like I'm letting everyone down around me because Im not the happy, helpful person I used to be. I know its effecting my marriage and I wonder sometimes if I'm pushing him away. Luckily I have a husband that absolutely adores me, but even we have our struggles and I can't help but wonder what will be his breaking point with me. From the outside looking in I'm sure everyone is like "he is so lucky to have her" but no one sees what he puts up with me, and the daily struggle it is for him to do the one thing he loves to do - make me happy. I watch him struggle with it and all I can do is look the opposite direction and think that he would be better off without me anyway. He is really the only one that gets to have a small glimpse into my world. I go from being seemingly perfectly happy when around other people or on the phone with someone, and as soon as I'm home or hang up the phone I am withdrawn, sad, angry person. He doesn't understand why I'm happy around everyone else but him.....he doesn't understand that the last thing I want is for everyone else to see the broken, tired, sad side of me, and then have to explain myself. So I act happy. The only way I know to "get back to normal" is to convince my self I no longer want kids or to give up on having a biological kid and adopt. But just the thought of that sends me into a panic attack. 

I'm sick of thinking about the financial side of it...we can't move forward without a substantial amount of money...and if we were to get the money....what if it still didn't work...hell we cant even afford the bills we have so why are we thinking about bringing a child into this world? Im one week away from a fertility grant deadline and I can't bring myself to even think about writing the "statement of infertility history" or fill out the application. Besides we dont have a "great" story to tell.....we have only done one IUI, not 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs like everyone else......we haven't lost any kids....we haven't overcome any major medical issues, I mean according to the "world" endometriosis is just "bad cramps", everyone has them, never mind the fact it has already caused me to lose and ovary and is keeping me from getting pregnant.....so I feel like Id be wasting my time any way, which will just lead to more heartache when I find out we didn't get it.

I see the stories of people that have spent a lot more than me, had many more unsuccessful tries than we have...and I wonder how they find the strength to try again, how they mentally handle the continued heartbreak...how they find the strength to continue to have hope. I find myself reaching down deep, longing to remember how it felt to have hope and be positive about our future.....and how it felt to be happy.

The dreaded RE appointment....

Struggling a little today ~ overwhelmed with so many different parts of life that would be so much easier if we weren't dealing with this thing we call infertility.............This is definitely gonna be a depressing post and all over the place so I would recommend skipping this one....I just need to get it all out.

Finally went to my RE after months of putting the appointment off because I felt it was pointless to waste my time and money on an appointment when we didnt have Greg figured out yet (aka the fear and anxiety of hearing bad news and find out what additional tests and meds I was gonna need to spend more money on). I almost cancelled this one but forgot to call on Friday and I didnt want to pay the missed appointment fee. But Im glad I went, even though I left more confused and lost than ever. Im sure some of you are thinking.....why would you avoid your doctor during a time like this???

Well honestly the last month or so has been the hardest of this whole journey. This whole time I keep holding

Emotions of Infertility.....Loss

Many of the feelings of loss are still "what ifs" and are fueled by anxiety.  Its so easy for someone on the outside to say, "you still have options"..."this worked for this person"..."but you can still adopt"...... They dont think about what a couple is going through internally when faced with the reality and having to make decisions about where to go from here. Whether it is deciding what to try next or having to deal with the reality of a treatment not working the one thing in the back of our minds is "what if we cant".

The first feelings of loss you feel is the feeling of self esteem & self worth ~ am I not good enough to have children...what did we do wrong...I cant give my husband/wife a child. In our case we both have our issues so we will always both have the worry or guilt of not being able to provide each other or our families with a child if we are unable to do so. I have found myself questioning every aspect of my life, wondering if there was anything we should have done, questioning my desire to have children, and even our ability to financially support a child. I was always 100% sure that I wanted children and to find myself questioning it now. I watch everyday as Greg becomes more and more unhappy with himself and blames himself. I try so hard to keep his spirits high and reassure him that it will all be okay but its so hard when sometimes I dont even believe it.

It must be in the water

and I must be on a separate water line.....

So my sister Amber (next to youngest sister & mom of my niece Mikaila) came by today to let me know that my little sister Jessi found out today that she was six weeks pregnant................let me rephrase that my little 17 YEAR OLD sister........

I swear this is the most unpredictable EMOTIONAL roller coaster I have ever been on. At first big sister/mother mode kicked in and my first question was "is she planning on finishing school??" All I have wanted for her for the longest time was to get through high school....Jessi has not had the easiest life and for several years she lived with me, and she was recently emancipated from her mother (our dad's widow). Greg and I were just talking about her last night about how proud we were of her and how happy we were that she was still in school and not into trouble and drugs. She has been with this guy for a while now and they were working on jobs and their own place prior to this so things were really looking up for Jessi. Obviously Im worried about her and Im scared for her because she has no clue what lies ahead but I have faith that it will all work out and I know she will need my support more now than ever. So the first 5 minutes consist of fear and worry......then came the auntie side of me thinking i needed to save all my stuff, shes gonna need lots of help, Im gonna have another niece/nephew to spoil & boy this is gonna be expensive lol......then came the dreaded sadness and pessimism about how unfair it is and why us. But this is not about us, she is pregnant now and she needs all the support she needs, and I HATE that she was worried about me and did not want to tell me because she didnt want to upset me (and probably didnt want to hear my usual sisterly lectures)...... Im sure she is scared, but im also sure she is excited at the same time and I dont ever want her to think that Im mad or upset with her because of it.

Im finding it harder and harder to control my emotions and anxiety, mainly because it seems like I feel so many different things at once.

Emotions of Infertility.....Anxiety

Fear, Pain, Anger, Anxiety, Hopelessness, Sadness, Failure, Loss, Guilt, Pessimism..........I could go on and on. I think this has been one of the craziest emotional roller coasters we have ever been on!!!

The worst part about it is how hard it is to talk to others or even each other about all these emotions so instead we tend to repress them and act like everything is okay in front of everyone when i really want to scream, cry, and throw stuff. When I think about talking to someone about it or  sharing this blog I begin to talk my way out of it because I know it's not possible for them to understand and I fear of hearing those reassuring comments, "relax", "it will happen", "my friend has that too and had a kid". I know its not their fault they dont understand but I guess I feel its better not to put them in the awkward situation to have to reassure me.....

~~~~~ANXIETY~~~~~~

" anxiety is a feeling of fear, worry, and uneasiness, usually generalized and unfocused as an overreaction to a situation that is only subjectively seen as menacing" Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety