Our plans to proceed with IUI/IVF were halted when I was laid off in January, followed by a series of other unplanned obstacles and heartache throughout the year. So Ive been excited and anxious to get started again and I have everything lined up to revive our plans to have a baby, except money. Today was my first appointment since last January with my RE. The appointment was a consultation to discuss our options. My heart is so ready to start a family but my brain tells me Im insane for even thinking its a possibility. I go into the appointment this morning thinking this is it, Im going to do what ever i need to so we cant start this process. I leave thinking this is crazy for even making the appointment, we cant afford this, and every other reason or negative thought has gone through my mind.....
I think its so unfair that I have to pay so much for something that others pay nothing for....I wonder why this is happening to us. All I want is a definite answer, to know if it is even possible for me to get pregnant, are we wasting our money doing something that isn't gonna work? I don;t know how to talk to anyone really about it. I know that there are those that are eager to help us but its so hard to communicate about it and ask for help. I always feel so alone in this, I feel like no realizes how hard it really is. I have an awesome support system of friends and family, so I dont understand why its so hard. I was excited about the appointment today so I actually told a few people I wouldn't normally tell so now I dread their questions and request for updates. I really need to figure out how to open up to others about it besides just putting on a strong happy front to appease them and make them think I'm okay.
I wish I could just say never mind I do not want kids, we are happy the way we are. But even Greg feels something is missing and we both long to feel that void. It just seems so easy to turn around and walk away from it. I don't know what will hurt worse.
The plan is to start and IUI cycle tomorrow.....but I really dont know what I am gonna do. I can not bring my self to ask for help with it due to the amount of money it is gonna take for a "possible" pregnancy. I can not communicate with those I love, including my husband, as I face one of the most important decisions of my life. I do not know if I can handle another day of this infertility struggle. There is so much I need to be doing: pricing medications, filling out grant applications, and lining up funding but the thought of picking up the phone or researching the internet makes me sick to my stomach......and feel so incredibly alone.
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