Hopelessness

It has been a long time since my last "public" post. I say public because I have several "drafts" that I decided not to post. I sit here now and wonder why I even pulled up my blog because I have no intentions of sharing with the world how Im feeling. I refuse to show my weakness, and I do not want anyone feeling sorry for me. 

On April 8th, 2015, the day I got the official "NOT PREGNANT" from my first IUI, I lost all hope, I hit a wall and fell into a very dark place. I have held it together for so many years, always able to find happiness. But this day was the first time I truly struggled to act "normal", "happy", and like everything was okay. I told myself to just get through the day and everything would be okay....then just get through the week....the month.....and now 10 months later. I find my self wondering if it is ever going to be okay.

After fighting it for almost 6 years, I have let infertility define me and destroy my happiness. I know I should be grateful for all the things I have in my life, the awesome family & friends that love and care about me. But I feel like no one really knows me anymore, hell I don't even know myself. I cant drive down the street with out seeing a daddy helping his kids ride a bike, the pregnant neighbor that is glowing with happiness, the Facebook announcement about the couple that just started dating a few months ago that is expecting, without feeling bitter and sad.

I feel like everyone has these expectations of me to be the responsible, mature, organized, sane, loving, helpful person that I have always been when all I really want to do is say screw it all, quit my job, become a hermit, and run away from everyone and everything. I no longer enjoy being the one that everyone depends on, I no longer enjoy planning stuff. I get anxiety when I have to attend to family gatherings, birthday parties. I used to love buying birthday and baby shower presents but have found myself trying to avoid them. Before I just got a little anxiety and would just had to remind myself it would suck more if I missed getting to see my family or missed a birthday party, so I would suck it up and be fine...

I am so tired of hurting mentally and physically.  I'm tired of thinking about it...my brain and body shut down anytime I attempt to motivate myself to try again. I'm over complaining about my everyday aches and pains...almost like I tell myself if I don't talk about it, then it's not real. I'm tired of acting like I'm okay.

I feel so alone. I find myself purposely avoiding those closest to me, and I feel most normal when I'm around people that do not know my struggles. How can anyone understand if in don't understand myself? How can anyone make me feel better when there is no way possible to get me what I want...

I feel like a horrible person, like I'm letting everyone down around me because Im not the happy, helpful person I used to be. I know its effecting my marriage and I wonder sometimes if I'm pushing him away. Luckily I have a husband that absolutely adores me, but even we have our struggles and I can't help but wonder what will be his breaking point with me. From the outside looking in I'm sure everyone is like "he is so lucky to have her" but no one sees what he puts up with me, and the daily struggle it is for him to do the one thing he loves to do - make me happy. I watch him struggle with it and all I can do is look the opposite direction and think that he would be better off without me anyway. He is really the only one that gets to have a small glimpse into my world. I go from being seemingly perfectly happy when around other people or on the phone with someone, and as soon as I'm home or hang up the phone I am withdrawn, sad, angry person. He doesn't understand why I'm happy around everyone else but him.....he doesn't understand that the last thing I want is for everyone else to see the broken, tired, sad side of me, and then have to explain myself. So I act happy. The only way I know to "get back to normal" is to convince my self I no longer want kids or to give up on having a biological kid and adopt. But just the thought of that sends me into a panic attack. 

I'm sick of thinking about the financial side of it...we can't move forward without a substantial amount of money...and if we were to get the money....what if it still didn't work...hell we cant even afford the bills we have so why are we thinking about bringing a child into this world? Im one week away from a fertility grant deadline and I can't bring myself to even think about writing the "statement of infertility history" or fill out the application. Besides we dont have a "great" story to tell.....we have only done one IUI, not 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs like everyone else......we haven't lost any kids....we haven't overcome any major medical issues, I mean according to the "world" endometriosis is just "bad cramps", everyone has them, never mind the fact it has already caused me to lose and ovary and is keeping me from getting pregnant.....so I feel like Id be wasting my time any way, which will just lead to more heartache when I find out we didn't get it.

I see the stories of people that have spent a lot more than me, had many more unsuccessful tries than we have...and I wonder how they find the strength to try again, how they mentally handle the continued heartbreak...how they find the strength to continue to have hope. I find myself reaching down deep, longing to remember how it felt to have hope and be positive about our future.....and how it felt to be happy.