The worst part about it is how hard it is to talk to others or even each other about all these emotions so instead we tend to repress them and act like everything is okay in front of everyone when i really want to scream, cry, and throw stuff. When I think about talking to someone about it or sharing this blog I begin to talk my way out of it because I know it's not possible for them to understand and I fear of hearing those reassuring comments, "relax", "it will happen", "my friend has that too and had a kid". I know its not their fault they dont understand but I guess I feel its better not to put them in the awkward situation to have to reassure me.....
~~~~~ANXIETY~~~~~~
" anxiety is a feeling of fear, worry, and uneasiness, usually generalized and unfocused as an overreaction to a situation that is only subjectively seen as menacing" Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety
The craziest things such as seeing a pregnant lady walk by, or passing through the baby department causes me to have minor freak outs ~ at first its like "awww isnt that cute" then it turns into "well lucky you" or "guess im never gonna need that"........... I never thought I would have any feeling but pure happiness when I think of pregnancy, babies and kids.....I never thought that the idea of a baby shower would freak me out. Several months ago I was invited to a baby shower (mind you this was while i was on clomid so I was a little super sensitive) and I went from being super excited about it to have a breakdown about affording a present, then what to wear, and I decided last minute not to go. At the time I did not realize that it was the anxiety of celebrating a baby that made me crazy that day. When I realized what had happened I then felt really bad and selfish for letting this get in the way of celebrating with our friends during one of the happiest times of their lives. I absolutely love being around babies, I have always gotten so excited about new babies and friends that are able to conceive...and I still do, but sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me and clouds that happiness with sadness. Then I get anxious, worrying that they may read my emotions the wrong way and think that Im not happy for them and thats the last thing I want!!!!!!!!!!! I cant allow this to distance me from my loved ones because they have something I don't.
Then there is all the anxiety about the "what ifs", so if this doesnt work and we arent able to have our own biological children???? Should we rethink our purpose in this life, should I go back to school, should we pursue other options to have children....ughhhh the decisions.......
For the past two months it feels like my mind has been consumed with infertility....I find my self making lists and lists of questions or stuff to look up, pinning stuff on my private infertility board, reading blogs and websites on infertility, looking up causes and treatments (over and over again)..... So far I have been able to control it enough to where it has not turned into panic attacks and luckily it hasn't effected my sleep too much yet, its almost as if by the time I go to bed Im so mentally exhausted I go right to sleep. I have maybe had 2-3 nights where I could not get to sleep till like 3-4am.....
I could really write about this forever...but i really should be doing something productive :)
Here is an article from Psychology Today ~ Coping with the Anxiety of Infertility
It reminds us (because in a normal situation we would think of this ourselves) about ways to cope with our anxiety http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-age-anxiety/201108/coping-the-anxiety-infertility
I would love to hear ideas from others about coping strategies they have used and recommend!!!
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