It must be in the water

and I must be on a separate water line.....

So my sister Amber (next to youngest sister & mom of my niece Mikaila) came by today to let me know that my little sister Jessi found out today that she was six weeks pregnant................let me rephrase that my little 17 YEAR OLD sister........

I swear this is the most unpredictable EMOTIONAL roller coaster I have ever been on. At first big sister/mother mode kicked in and my first question was "is she planning on finishing school??" All I have wanted for her for the longest time was to get through high school....Jessi has not had the easiest life and for several years she lived with me, and she was recently emancipated from her mother (our dad's widow). Greg and I were just talking about her last night about how proud we were of her and how happy we were that she was still in school and not into trouble and drugs. She has been with this guy for a while now and they were working on jobs and their own place prior to this so things were really looking up for Jessi. Obviously Im worried about her and Im scared for her because she has no clue what lies ahead but I have faith that it will all work out and I know she will need my support more now than ever. So the first 5 minutes consist of fear and worry......then came the auntie side of me thinking i needed to save all my stuff, shes gonna need lots of help, Im gonna have another niece/nephew to spoil & boy this is gonna be expensive lol......then came the dreaded sadness and pessimism about how unfair it is and why us. But this is not about us, she is pregnant now and she needs all the support she needs, and I HATE that she was worried about me and did not want to tell me because she didnt want to upset me (and probably didnt want to hear my usual sisterly lectures)...... Im sure she is scared, but im also sure she is excited at the same time and I dont ever want her to think that Im mad or upset with her because of it.

Im finding it harder and harder to control my emotions and anxiety, mainly because it seems like I feel so many different things at once.
Then I can not expect anyone to really understand how I feel so I avoid talking about it and that leads them to misunderstand my reactions and actions. I havent mentioned my sister being pregnant to anyone..first because I think that is something she should do and secondly Im afraid that it might not come out right.....Although Im scared for her, it is what it is and I dont want this to be a negative experience for her. I have four siblings all younger, and I vowed many years ago that I would support them and keep lines of communication open at all times even if I wasnt happy with them...I dont ever want them to feel like they can not come to me if they are in trouble. Jessi and I had a few rough patches in the last few years but I always hoped she knew she could come to me with anything. She lived with us when we first started trying....I gave her so many lectures about boys and sex and made it very clear that the worst thing she could do was come home pregnant. Well now as an emancipated teenager who will be 18 in January, she is technically an adult and chose to take on adult responsibilities when she went to court. So now I have to figure out how to fight off my own insecurities and negative thoughts so that I can be happy for her and fully support her. We have plans to go school shopping this weekend so I plan to have a sisterly talk with her about how we can help support each other and help her understand that it is not her and her pregnancy that makes me sad and anxious.

On a side note ~ after waking up this morning and realizing that I didnt just dream all of the above and this was real, I did have a sense of relief in knowing so far 3 of my 4 siblings have conceived, two of which have already had healthy beautiful girls so they will never have to go through what we are going through! My oldest sister vows to never have children (but I think that will change one day)!