Emotions of Infertility.....Loss

Many of the feelings of loss are still "what ifs" and are fueled by anxiety.  Its so easy for someone on the outside to say, "you still have options"..."this worked for this person"..."but you can still adopt"...... They dont think about what a couple is going through internally when faced with the reality and having to make decisions about where to go from here. Whether it is deciding what to try next or having to deal with the reality of a treatment not working the one thing in the back of our minds is "what if we cant".

The first feelings of loss you feel is the feeling of self esteem & self worth ~ am I not good enough to have children...what did we do wrong...I cant give my husband/wife a child. In our case we both have our issues so we will always both have the worry or guilt of not being able to provide each other or our families with a child if we are unable to do so. I have found myself questioning every aspect of my life, wondering if there was anything we should have done, questioning my desire to have children, and even our ability to financially support a child. I was always 100% sure that I wanted children and to find myself questioning it now. I watch everyday as Greg becomes more and more unhappy with himself and blames himself. I try so hard to keep his spirits high and reassure him that it will all be okay but its so hard when sometimes I dont even believe it.

Most recently we have felt a loss in personal relationships. First within our own relationship we have felt a lack of communication, a lack of enjoyment in normal relationship activities. Its almost as if we put our focus on everyone and everything around us to avoid the topic. I personally have consumed my time with home maintenance, cleaning  & organizing, work, and other misc things I can find to do. I rather be alone than out with a bunch of people. I actually feel anxiety when Im having to entertain people or Im out with friends. I find my self avoiding my friends and declining invitations. Id rather be around those that dont know our story and what we have been going though so I can avoid the questions or the uncomfortableness.  Greg on the other hand wants to entertain and go out with friends, when he gets bored thats when he starts to get anxious and worry about everything. He likes to stay busy with fun stuff. So needless to say this puts us in different directions at all times which puts a big strain on our marriage. We are slowly getting it together and I have no doubts our marriage will survive this, as well as our friendships that are feeling the stress of all this! We are truly lucky to have some awesome and understanding friends & and I know we can always depend on our family ~ I just pray sometimes that they understand and they dont take it personally.

Then comes the "what ifs"..... what if we can not have our own biological children?? Sure there is adoption but unless you are in the situation you have no idea how hard it is to realize we will not pass on our genetics, we will never have the "he/she looks just like you", I may never get to experience pregnancy and childbirth...and the possibility it may not be in our cards to have children. Im not even positive at this point that adoption is something we will decide to do, not to mention how are we gonna pay for it....so what if we never have children of our own....will we survive that?

Then there are the losses that we have yet to experience, the ones that scare me to death....We are fighting so many internal and emotional battles right now but I can not imagine having to go through the miscarriages, the failed invitros, or the any of the physical losses that parents have to go through with fertility treatments and adoptions and to tell you the truth what scares me the most is that going through any of those might break me permanently. Im not sure I have the strength to handle something like that and my heart breaks for those that have to endure that pain.

I pray everyday for strength and try my best to keep my hope and faith alive that this will all workout and we will be okay no matter what the end result is. I realize this post is probably quite depressing but Im hoping that is sheds a little more light into the life of those battling infertility so that friends and family can better understand what they are going through, as well as let other "infertiles" know that they are not alone and that these feelings are quite common ~ but its up to us go win this battle and not let it get the best of us although its probably one of the hardest battles you will ever fight!