The main reason for the shower was to do something for her for everything she has done for me. The second reason was keep me focused on not allowing infertility to make me the angry bitter person. In the past year I have purposely avoided baby showers and kids birthdays, I have gotten anxious when shopping for kids/babies, and worst of all I have had feelings of jealousy and resentment when finding out people are pregnant or seeing pregnant people and people with their new babies. THIS IS NOT ME AT ALL...........I have always absolutely LOVED kids, I enjoy anytime of gathering with friends and family, and I have been so happy for everyone when I get the news of the pregnancy. So my mission was to prove to myself that I was not letting this infertility redefine me and make me an angry bitter person. Sure some of the feelings and emotions are normal given the circumstance but for a while I almost felt as I was losing control of everything.
Don't get me wrong, planning a baby shower was no easy task for me, I had days that I just wanted to cancel it or hand it all over to someone else. To get through those days I would just put everything down or try to mentally leave the "baby" out of it and start planning a "cookout". Some of my closets friends and family thought I was nuts for doing it, but if I had the decision to make all over again I would not hesitate to do it again for her. The last thing I want is to become a miserable, angry person. I know that I will have my moments but I do not want a day to come when I cant dig my self out of those negative thoughts. So MISSION ACCOMPLISHED - baby shower planned and held without too many major breakdowns and I did not let infertility turn me into a negative bitter person. I can not wait for Miss Zaylee Paige to arrive so I can share in the joy of that precious gift!!
Now on to the next crazy venture..............(you all are sure to hear of that one real soon....)
I don't know if this blog has been made public yet, but I'm the girl up there in that picture, and those ultrasounds are my little girl Zaylee Paige that is due to be here within a week or so. And I'm here to comment on this blog and let everyone know that reads this, to include Stacy that right before we got pregnant, my husband and I were having minor infertility issues as well--Stacy and I shared a lot of our grief with this together for a small time. We are the ones that had a miscarriage later in our first pregnancy. I don't even like to call it a miscarriage because when I think miscarriage I think a heavy period and the passing of a bloody mass(excuse the graphics)...not to discount ANY miscarriage but I actually was put in the hospital (for about 56 hours) trying to induce a delivery that wasn't suppose to happen for another 20 weeks! I found out at my 17 week appointment (a week and a half before we were scheduled to find out the sex of the baby) that Baby Bachellor had no heartbeat. After a viability test (ultrasound) the results confirmed this for us. Baby Bachellor had been peacefully resting for about 2.5 weeks based upon the growth of the fetus. The next 2 days of waiting to get a "bed" in the labor and delivery unit of the Womack Army Medical Hospital my husband drove from Wilmington to Fayetteville to be with me and my Mom and youngest sister drove from VA to be with me during the entire process. On the second day after the news we finally were able to get a room at the L&D unit to start the lengthy process of inducing a delivery of a dead baby. I am a pretty tough cookie and was raised a straight tomboy where my Dad would make fun of me if I cried during sad movies or tough times....with that being said my Father's "crying complex" was heightened at this time and I hadn't really shed a tear (in public). On top of that I've always been the "cornerstone" of my family so being strong for them and letting them know I was okay was more important than appearing vulnerable and needy. In addition to that, and most importantly, I can't deny that I truly believe that God's presence was all around me offering me strength and peace knowing that He was in control. The first thing that came to my mind once I found out was--it could always be worse. And it could; while I was in the hospital it was near Mother's Day and the doctors and nurses couldn't believe how high my spirits were and had to ask why and I said; God has given me a peace about this and it could always be worse. They went on to tell me that this was their 4th IFD (inutero fetal demise) this month and one was on Mother's Day and she was 8 months along--as I stated--it could always be worse.
ReplyDeleteAfter tons of invasive procedures to get my cervix to dilate and 56 hours later Baby Bachellor was born still on May 14, 2011. We believe he was a boy but there was no way to tell. He wasn't so much of a looker but he lay peacefully and tiny. This is when my husband had the hardest time with this event. He cried, he kept asking me if I was ok, he bought me balloons, 3 cards, and a teddy bear. I didn't shed a tear but remained strong and composed for everyone else. There is this one picture of my husband and I standing with Baby Bachellor and the balloons and teddy bear and our wedding rings and people always say how I looked like I was glowing--if I was it was the light of the Good Lord protecting and embracing me with strength!
After we got discharged we drove back to our apartment in Wilmington. My mom and sister came too and stayed one more night. After they left the next morning and my husband had to go back to work as well that's when I broke down and I DID NOT want my husband out of my sight, I needed him at the time and his STUPID work and STUPID boss bothered him the entire time we were at the hospital wondering "how long he was going to be out of the gym because sales were falling" and so it was out of the question to even think he would be able to take some more time off to be with me. Thank God for my strength and I was able to pick myself up after about 48 hours and realize that again, God was in control and that if we were meant to have another baby we would.
ReplyDeleteIt took us two years of trying and multiple tests trying to figure out what was going on. They started with me because after all maybe the IFD created some scar tissue that needed to be clean out, etc. After multiple tests I looked pretty normal. We moved on to my husband, we found out that he had very low sperm count but nothing that would require medication. We would just have to be more precise with our timing. If we didn't get pregnant within the next few months we could always do invitro. Well, as you see we did get pregnant and we fortunately did not have to travel the same emotional rollercoaster that Stacy or some of you may be on. I consider us blessed. I know that there is no better timing than God's and no better reasoning that God's. It's the waiting game that strains your faith. But I encourage each of you to stay strong and trust in God.
I could not be more grateful for my friendship with Stacy and I was one of the ones that thought she was absolutely crazy for offering to put on my baby shower! But, she insisted and if it helped her then I'm glad she did it! It was perfect and totally in line with how well she can throw a party! I am looking forward to finding out that her and Greg are pregnant--the other night they invited my husband and I out for karaoke...well should I say Greg invited Rich to go out for karaoke and Stacy and I couldn't get them to agree to just watching college football at the house! So, Rich came to me in the kitchen and said Greg and Stacy really want us to go out with them; I really hope they are going to tell us their pregnant!! So, when we FINALLY get the news I am SOOO ready to throw the baby shower of a lifetime--it will be better than any wedding! That little peanut will be sooo blessed and loved and already is! Hurry and get here Baby Pullen so we can shower you will all this love that's been waiting for you and long overdue!
Stacy surely is a special person and a better friend. She deserves the desires of her heart and that is my prayer for her daily!
Keep up the faith!!