I found out last week that my cousin had a miscarriage. I surprised myself by my reaction ~ I immediately became super emotional and sat in the bathroom and cried as if it was something I was going through. I cried for her and her family because I know she was hurting, and then I cried for us. Greg and I are fighting so hard to have a family of our own and I don't know what I'm more scared of sometimes.........the thought of not being able to have children.....or the thought of having it then losing it. Getting that positive pregnancy test and then finding out something went wrong. I hear so many people say that they wait to tell everyone they are pregnant till after the "safe zone", but how do you determine what the safe zone is?? At the beginning of my infertility journey a close friend of my suffered a late term miscarriage and my heart broke for her but then I watched her pick her self up and try again.....I asked myself then if that was something I would survive, and my answer is still Im not sure I could do that. I think of how heart breaking it is to see the negative on the pregnancy test, or a zero sperm count on the lab results, and I worry that if something like that was to happen that would be my breaking point.
After I heard the news I messaged my cousin just to let her know I was thinking about her. I thought about how lonely she must feel
although all of her loved ones were offering their love and support, and although we were going through two totally different situations I just wanted to tell her that I understood..... but i didnt because I know when people tell me they understand it frustrates me and I just want to yell "NO YOU DONT". A few days later she did message me back, and she let me know exactly what I was thinking....that although we were dealing with two different things...that she understood.....and it felt really good to believe someone when they said that. Her message made me realize how I have really barricaded myself behind this "infertility" wall and only let a very few in.
For the last few months I have been struggling with sharing my struggle with my friends and family. Obviously my family realizes that we are having "issues" having children because they know how badly I have wanted a family. In the last year they have stopped asking about our progress, probably fearing hearing bad news or upsetting us. I choose to share all the "details" with very few mainly because I don't want to continually be talking about it, and I don't want it to define us.... However I think that in doing this I have let it define us and in a way made it uncomfortable for people to ask us about it. The purpose of this blog was to help my friends and family understand what we are going through and keep them updated, and also as an outlet to get my feeling out and now I wonder if I should keep the two separate. Do I want my family to read sad, miserable post like this?? or do I create a separate blog, facebook group, or email chain to keep those who want to know update?? I would love to hear others thoughts or ideas about how to share your journey without worrying your family and friends. I know that they all question what is going on but how much information should I give them. How do I help them understand something that I don't really completely understand. Or do I continue to hide that im not as strong as I look, that everyday I grieve for something I fear Ill never have?
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