The dreaded RE appointment....

Struggling a little today ~ overwhelmed with so many different parts of life that would be so much easier if we weren't dealing with this thing we call infertility.............This is definitely gonna be a depressing post and all over the place so I would recommend skipping this one....I just need to get it all out.

Finally went to my RE after months of putting the appointment off because I felt it was pointless to waste my time and money on an appointment when we didnt have Greg figured out yet (aka the fear and anxiety of hearing bad news and find out what additional tests and meds I was gonna need to spend more money on). I almost cancelled this one but forgot to call on Friday and I didnt want to pay the missed appointment fee. But Im glad I went, even though I left more confused and lost than ever. Im sure some of you are thinking.....why would you avoid your doctor during a time like this???

Well honestly the last month or so has been the hardest of this whole journey. This whole time I keep holding
out hope that we could "fix" Greg and try again when he started producing sperm (trying to be optimistic that this would happen) It is still possible that he can be "fixed", but there is also the possibility this is the end of our road.....no sperm = no biological kids. Then I find myself questioning my decisions in doctors and treatments ~ should we be looking at 2nd and 3rd opinions. Should we do the genetic testing just to try to get a definite answer? I initially said no to genetic testing because of the cost but now I wonder if I need that definite answer for my closure should the current treatment Greg is doing is a dead end. 

The financial side of this is so overwhelming and I find my self questioning if we should even be pursuing this because Im not sure how much we can afford. Even though we are fortunate to have insurance and a supportive parents that are willing to do just about anything to make this happen it sucks having to ask for help. Are we ready to have kids if we can't even afford to treat our medical issues?? What if we get to the next step and we can not afford it. Ive done alot of research on grants, fundraising, etc but what if we never make it that far because we cant afford it??If we can not afford IVF we definitely can not afford adoption.  I cant decide if it would be easier to just give up and try to adjust to being "childless". 

I almost feel like Im in the middle of my midlife crisis....Im questioning my job, going back to school, what makes me happy, what i want for my future.... Its so crazy that once you think you have everything figured out, life throws a curve ball. I guess its my fear of the unknown and the anxiety that I will get the news I dont want to hear,  or the fear of hearing the costs associated with the doctors recommendations is what caused me to put off this appointment.

I left with a few answers about basic stuff, lots of preconception information, but basically was told we were still waiting on Greg (which I knew). I do understand that its important to wait on Gregs treatment to see if it works before they do anything invasive with me to prepare me for the next step. However the optimistic side of me (or whats left of it) insist that his treatment will be work and I need to be ready soon.  My last question to the doctor was "are you sure there isnt a "magic pill".......

I try really hard to not consume my life with our "infertility" but I feel like if Im not researching or thinking about then Im giving up....or I might miss something.....This blog has been really great in helping me get my feelings out so if you made it though this post, I hope you got something positive out of it even if it was knowing that you arent the only one trying to make sense of this crazy roller coaster of emotions.