Endometriosis

So March is Endometriosis Awareness Month ~ its good to see more information popping up online and more people sharing their stories. I had a high school friend message me the other day asking about Endometriosis because she was concerned her daughter might have it and the doctors seemed to ignore her concern that it might be endometriosis because she was so young, she actually remembered when I would miss school or cancel sleepovers because of my "cramps".....I know this frustration all to well and was excited to share the information because I know there are so many young girls out there that could be going through what I went through. I pray that this young girl does not have it but if she does I hope that she can get some answers a lot sooner than I did. I often think about the first time I asked my doctor about Endometriosis, this long crazy word that I had seen in a pamphlet in the doctors office.....her response was "you are too young for that". I wonder had I listened to my gut and fought for answers if things would be better today. So I decided to put together the below personal explanation using my own words (because the medical stuff gets confusing) as someone that has suffered from it since 10 years old. 

What it is?

When describing Endometriosis I use "a spiderweb of barbed wire" quite frequently. Think of a spider web in your abdomen wrapped around your organs....sometimes your organs get stuck and can move around properly as you do different activities...sometimes simply standing up straight causes pain and discomfort....cardio and exercising is hard, which sucks when your husband is a great personal trainer and you feel like you are letting him down when you aren't able to give 100% because of the discomfort. It was after a few months of doing cardio with a friend/coworker that she noticed I was constantly holding my stomach and complaining about the pain that she made me an appointment to see a doctor. In 2008 it had almost divided my bladder in half, so when my bladder would fill I would get this golf ball size lump on my stomach until I went to the bathroom. I find myself often blaming my grimaces and pain on other things "I just have a headache", but most of the time I just do not talk about it and act like "Im fine". Sometimes I feel like Im always complaining about something not "feeling good", and then I think "if they only knew how I was really feeling today"....... The pain is not just during "that time of the month" it is everyday! In addition to the abdominal pain, there are many more symptoms....painful bowels & urination, painful sex, fatigue, infertility, anxiety, depression. Some days I may experience just one or two of the above, then there are days I experience them all at the same time.....

Diagnosing it...

I wasn't diagnosed until age 27....after 17 years of knowing something wasn't right..these weren't"normal cramps", or "dysemmenoria" as the doctor labeled it. The doctors should have taken a hint when at age 10 I thought my ruptured appendix was just "normal cramps" as the doctor had put it so many times. In 2008 I had laproscopic surgery because the endometriosis had caused 2 grapefruit sized cysts, and several small ones that caused me to lose one ovary. It was then the endometriosis was confirmed and I could finally tell the world I wasn't crazy and infact I had built up a very high pain tolerance. You can not see "spider web of tissue" on ultrasounds or xrays so the only way to know 100% sure that you have it is for them to open you up and take a look. Most doctors will not perform an exploratory surgery just to see if you have it and honestly I wouldn't recommend having it unless you had reason to believe it is obstructing an organ or causing additional internal issues. If you suspect you or someone you know has it, I recommend you find a good doctor. You may have to see several before you find one that you feel comfortable with and know that they have your best interest in mind in regard to your reproductive health. If your doctor suspects endometriosis there are things that can be done without surgery to help preserve your future reproductive health. They may not necessarily stop your current pain, but can prevent it from getting worse and causing more issues. 

What Causes it?

No one knows what causes it....genetics? dna mutations? ....we do not have a clue....and not enough research is being done on it so that one day we will know. Since so many that suffer with it suffer in silence not a lot of people know a lot about it and what those of us that have it go through. For some reason my body just decides to release the tissue into my abdomen instead of letting it flow out of my body during my monthly cycle. 

What is the Cure?

There is no cure....and the few treatments available are only temporary IF they work at all. I've had laproscopic surgery to get "cleaned out"...only lasted 3 months. Tried many medications and the only thing that helps keep the pain level down is constant progesterone birth control (I skip the placebo pills so I don't have a monthly cycle). There are intense hormone therapies that essentially put your body into menopause (and yes the hot flashes suck!!), or I can have a full hysterectomy.......but neither are viable options when you hope to one day have kids, and both have their own side effects that can be just as debilitating as the endo pain. So you just have to choose the lesser evil in hopes of one day they find a cure.

Dependency on Pain Killers....

Sometimes you feel like a drug addict. I have a prescription for pain pills just for my endo pain....I keep them close by and will notice immediately if just one is gone. I once had some stolen from me and went into a full panic attack because I was afraid of the pain starting and not having anything to help. I've been known to race to my doctors office on a Friday right as they closed when I realized I didn't have a refill and jumped around like an idiot outside so I could get their attention to get a refill called in. Fortunately my current doctor understands, unlike those when I was younger who thought I was a teenager just trying to get pills to get high on....

Infertility....

Im sure everyone has noticed by now we do not have kids. I would love to have a good explanation for this but once again, there is not enough research to figure out how endometriosis has effected my ability to conceive. All we know is there is a bunch of spider webs that interfere with my normal bodily functions and hormone levels so there are many possible reasons and ways it can effect my fertility....not to mention removing the tissue surgically only caused more scar tissue so I have that in the way as well.

That's my brief summary/explanation of Endometriosis. Hopefully one day this disease will be taken more seriously and we get more funding and research to one day find a cure and better treatments. If you or someone you know is experience symptoms like this I BEG you to find a good doctor immediately. I would never wish the pain alone on anyone, and I can not stand the though of one of my friends and loved ones going through the roller coaster of infertility.

Hopelessness

It has been a long time since my last "public" post. I say public because I have several "drafts" that I decided not to post. I sit here now and wonder why I even pulled up my blog because I have no intentions of sharing with the world how Im feeling. I refuse to show my weakness, and I do not want anyone feeling sorry for me. 

On April 8th, 2015, the day I got the official "NOT PREGNANT" from my first IUI, I lost all hope, I hit a wall and fell into a very dark place. I have held it together for so many years, always able to find happiness. But this day was the first time I truly struggled to act "normal", "happy", and like everything was okay. I told myself to just get through the day and everything would be okay....then just get through the week....the month.....and now 10 months later. I find my self wondering if it is ever going to be okay.

After fighting it for almost 6 years, I have let infertility define me and destroy my happiness. I know I should be grateful for all the things I have in my life, the awesome family & friends that love and care about me. But I feel like no one really knows me anymore, hell I don't even know myself. I cant drive down the street with out seeing a daddy helping his kids ride a bike, the pregnant neighbor that is glowing with happiness, the Facebook announcement about the couple that just started dating a few months ago that is expecting, without feeling bitter and sad.

I feel like everyone has these expectations of me to be the responsible, mature, organized, sane, loving, helpful person that I have always been when all I really want to do is say screw it all, quit my job, become a hermit, and run away from everyone and everything. I no longer enjoy being the one that everyone depends on, I no longer enjoy planning stuff. I get anxiety when I have to attend to family gatherings, birthday parties. I used to love buying birthday and baby shower presents but have found myself trying to avoid them. Before I just got a little anxiety and would just had to remind myself it would suck more if I missed getting to see my family or missed a birthday party, so I would suck it up and be fine...

I am so tired of hurting mentally and physically.  I'm tired of thinking about it...my brain and body shut down anytime I attempt to motivate myself to try again. I'm over complaining about my everyday aches and pains...almost like I tell myself if I don't talk about it, then it's not real. I'm tired of acting like I'm okay.

I feel so alone. I find myself purposely avoiding those closest to me, and I feel most normal when I'm around people that do not know my struggles. How can anyone understand if in don't understand myself? How can anyone make me feel better when there is no way possible to get me what I want...

I feel like a horrible person, like I'm letting everyone down around me because Im not the happy, helpful person I used to be. I know its effecting my marriage and I wonder sometimes if I'm pushing him away. Luckily I have a husband that absolutely adores me, but even we have our struggles and I can't help but wonder what will be his breaking point with me. From the outside looking in I'm sure everyone is like "he is so lucky to have her" but no one sees what he puts up with me, and the daily struggle it is for him to do the one thing he loves to do - make me happy. I watch him struggle with it and all I can do is look the opposite direction and think that he would be better off without me anyway. He is really the only one that gets to have a small glimpse into my world. I go from being seemingly perfectly happy when around other people or on the phone with someone, and as soon as I'm home or hang up the phone I am withdrawn, sad, angry person. He doesn't understand why I'm happy around everyone else but him.....he doesn't understand that the last thing I want is for everyone else to see the broken, tired, sad side of me, and then have to explain myself. So I act happy. The only way I know to "get back to normal" is to convince my self I no longer want kids or to give up on having a biological kid and adopt. But just the thought of that sends me into a panic attack. 

I'm sick of thinking about the financial side of it...we can't move forward without a substantial amount of money...and if we were to get the money....what if it still didn't work...hell we cant even afford the bills we have so why are we thinking about bringing a child into this world? Im one week away from a fertility grant deadline and I can't bring myself to even think about writing the "statement of infertility history" or fill out the application. Besides we dont have a "great" story to tell.....we have only done one IUI, not 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs like everyone else......we haven't lost any kids....we haven't overcome any major medical issues, I mean according to the "world" endometriosis is just "bad cramps", everyone has them, never mind the fact it has already caused me to lose and ovary and is keeping me from getting pregnant.....so I feel like Id be wasting my time any way, which will just lead to more heartache when I find out we didn't get it.

I see the stories of people that have spent a lot more than me, had many more unsuccessful tries than we have...and I wonder how they find the strength to try again, how they mentally handle the continued heartbreak...how they find the strength to continue to have hope. I find myself reaching down deep, longing to remember how it felt to have hope and be positive about our future.....and how it felt to be happy.

Two Week Wait..

March 25th ~ Well today begins the first full day of my two week wait....this has already been the longest day of my life and 13.more days to go. The bloating from the hcg shot is miserable. I just have to keep thinking that it is my body doing what it's supposed to. But geez, Im miserable getting up to go to the bathroom, not to mention this bed in the hotel is like 3 feet off the ground so I have to jump down. We do have a jacuzzi tub in the room so I look forward to relaxing in that a little later. Tried to go shopping but the bloating was just to much. We had lunch at cheesecake factory....I managed to leave with no cheesecake BUT as soon as I got back to the hotel I was craving it, so I made it know that that's what was for dessert! It's really nice just lounging in our hotel room, napping, and watching movies. It's very rare that Greg and I get a chance to lounge around and do nothing all day.

April 4th....I have been very hopeful throughout this process, however today is different. I woke up with a feeling that I was not pregnant. My body feels normal...the bloating and cramping have gone away, almost like the calm before the storm. My anxiety about the cramping has already started. I really hope I'm wrong. I mean I've never been pregnant before so what do I know......

April 6th ~ I broke down and took a at home test, it was negative. I know it takes longer to hit your urine than your bloodstream, but it really just confirmed what I already knew. I dont want to say anything to anyone because I do not want them to say things to try to convince me otherwise. Went to pick  up a crib from a friend tonight and it took everything in me to not break down. I got a bit "snippy" with Greg and I know he didnt understand what was wrong with me because I didnt want to tell him either. 

April 8th...8am: today is the day. I sit here in the lab waiting to have my blood drawn and every piece of my heart is already breaking telling me I'm not pregnant. My brain says its still possible...possible you don't know your body as well as you think you do...possible pregnancy pains are very similar to menstrual cycle pains...possible all the doubt and negativiy in my head is just the hormones...possible I'm wrong! Today is also the 15th anniversary of my father's passing, the last thing I wanted is for this to be the anniversary of my first failed IUI cycle. I need a happy memory for today.

1:15pm: still no word....my anxiety is through the roof and my heart is racing...I'm trying my best to focus on work, actually thank god that I am working bc otherwise I would really be driving myself insane...every one is already asking, texting, and messaging about the results, I know they mean well but it makes me more anxious because now if I'm not pregnant I have to tell them all.....

4:00 left work, just called the office and the recording says it's closed??? They are typically open till 5:00pm.I can not go overnight not knowing...this is gonna kill me....

4:45 decided to check my online portal...and the results are in....not pregnant...on my way home now to just lay in bed and cry till my husband gets home....or so I thought. My dear friend Paige is leaving me this weekend to move to California. She stopped by to drop some stuff off and we decided to go get dinner. As much as i want to crawl up into a ball, Im gonna miss her and her little one, so I decided to suck it up and occupy my mind while I wait for Greg to get home. 

April Fools ~ The fake pregnancy announcement.

I posted the below post on my Facebook yesterday. It got lots of shares, likes, and comments. I also received several personal messages from my facebook friends of encouragement and support, as well as a couple that felt compelled to share their "infertility" story with me. It feels great to know that I have so many that show compassion and empathy know that I am going through something they could never understand. As someone that has recently gone through an IUI (stay tuned for my IUI journal to be posted :) ) and could potentially be pregnant as I type it saddens me to look at other posts and see so many that do not understand and refuse to understand. I imagined what would happen if I posted a "april fools" joke today saying I was pregnant......and I imagined how hurt and devastated it would make so many of my friends and family when i revealed it was a joke. So its not just us "infertiles" that are hurt by this joke. Since Im not the type to engage publicly I decided to "vent" on my blog.

So here is my response to the post I recently read where several made comments like "get over yourselfs" "i dont care, post away" "its just a joke". Everyone is entitled to their opinion...here is mine:

Its sad to see that some don't realize the person they could be hurting but joking about it could be a close relative or friend. Luckily I have an awesome support group of friend and family that know although I dont often talk about the years of fertility treatments, the thousands and thousands of dollars spent, the pills, the injections, headaches, body aches, hormonal breakdowns, the emotional and physical roller coaster that I have been through (and still no baby), something like this is no joking matter. It is bad enough that we have to watch everyone around us have babies, and although we are genuinely happy for them, no one understands its not everyone else that makes us sad, its the disappointment in our own body, our own personal inability to conceive, our own hopes and dreams that have been crushed, that causes us pain. In the last couple years I have planned 4 baby showers, celebrated in births of so many babies, congratulated many REAL facebook pregnancy announcements, and I have vowed to never let my personal journey of infertility ever make me a bitter sour person or interfere with the way I treat those around me because I understand they could not possibly understand how I feel. I do not expect or want people to tiptoe around me and I will not go hide in the closet from the April fools days post or cry everytime I see one, nor will I have to because those that I choose to be friends with on have enough respect for me and those around them to realize what is funny and what isnt.........trying to fool the world on facebook as a Joke....not funny. You wouldn't joke about having or surviving cancer....aids...having a miscarriage or still born??,,,,,well infertility/miscarriage/infant death are medical diseases that affects more people than you know. Some want to compare it to posting picture of your dog/mom and hurting those that have lost a dog....would you joke about your dog/mom dying today?? We all handle things in our own ways, I just hope before you go and try to pull one of the most common April Fools pranks you are 100% certain the person(s) you are trying to fool wont be hurt by it. Besides, there are so many other "jokes", "pranks" and ways to fool people, be creative people.

My 1st IUI Cycle

Day 1 ~ Aunt Flo finally decide to arrive....I have never been so happy to see her, did a little happy dance in the bathroom. When I exited the bathroom coworker met me at the door and we did another little happy dance in the bathroom (poor guys in our office have no clue). I emailed my RE immediately to get my flow sheet set up (that is my schedule of meds, ultrasound and bloodwork). I was kinda hesitant to call Greg because I had been a bit moody the night before and I swore it was him and I knew the first thing he was gonna say was "told ya you were moody last night" lol.....Baseline ultrasound was schedule and flow sheet was set up.

This is my flow sheet ~ the pills were letrozole(Femara) ~ FSH shot was Follistim ~ and trigger shot was Ovidrel. Ultrasounds were schedule for day 2 and day 11. Looks like the procedure may be the 24th or 25th!!!

Day 2 ~ Had the baseline ultrasound this morning......well that was a miserable experience.....I was crampy. moody, and an ultrasound was the last thing I wanted. Poor ultrasound tech kept wanting to talk to me and I was just not in the mood to be social. I really wish my orders would have mentioned I didnt have a left ovary because that could have saved me alot of time and pain while the tech moved by "bowels" around looking for it before she asked if I had one.  Its bad enough I have the cramps but add all the poking and prodding..ugh...so glad that is over with!! The tech said all looked great, I had 8 follicles hanging out in there. Doctor emailed me instructions giving me the go to start the meds tonight. One the way into work, I brought donuts for everyeone...just a "please forgive me for the next two weeks or so" lol, just incase I get a little angry at times.

Day 3 ~ HOLY CRAMPS..........I did not miss these guys. Thank goodness I can still take normal meds this week. I think Im just gonna lay in bed all weekend.....oh wait gonna have to suck it up because its my little sisters birthday party tonight and we have a friend coming in town. I better double up on those meds today.

Day 5 ~ So Im trying to kick the diet sundrop/caffeine habit. I've limited myself to one per day, I bought my last 6 pack yesterday and vowed that after Im done with this I will not buy another sundrop.......this is gonna suck!!!! Ive limited myself to half a cup of coffee and have purchased decaf.  It looks like since I had my baseline ultrasound the doctor is skipping my day ultrasound so I wait till day 11 to figure out if my follicles are cooperating or not.

Day 9 ~ Kinds feel like Greg was a little to excited to give me my injections tonight....he definitely enjoyed it way to much!!! But honestly it wasnt bad at all I barely felt it! Anxious to know if this is working. I personally have been pretty limited in who I have told about having the IUI. Well my mom and Greg on the other hand..........I do understand its a bit different for them and that they dont fully understand why Im not super excited and telling the world. A small piece of me is saying this is going to work because it has to....and the rest of me is saying I need to stay realistic and realize the the success rate is not as high as Id like it to be and that there are some very strong reason why this isnt going to work. I have questioned my decision to do the IUI because although it was my frugal mind telling me to try the "less expensive" route, that same frugal mind it telling me I might have just wasted all that money......reality is there is nothing frugal about infertility..... but I got to stay positive because the last thing I want to do is tell everyone "we are not pregnant". I havent stopped them from telling everyone because I kind of feel like I might jinx myselft, kinda hoping that my body could not possibly let this many people down....I just dont wanna be the one to tell them....

DAY 11 ~  Ultrasound this morning!!!! Lots of growing follicles!!! I take my trigger shot tonight and my IUI is scheduled and we will be headed to Raleigh tomorrow afternoon!!!!!! Found myself searching pinterest earlier looking at nursery colors.....trying not to get to far ahead of myself but it is so hard not to think this has to work.

DAY 12 ~ We are headed to Raleigh. Been super bloated and kinda miserable since about 4pm. Guess that trigger shot is no joke and all these follicles are in turbo mode. Looking forward to also "getting away" for a couple days...just Greg and I. We have always enjoyed road trips, I know its not far but this is a special occasion and it will be nice for just the two of us to spend a little extra quality time together.

IUI DAY!!!!!!!!!!! So I did not read in the small print anywhere about the bloating and abdominal discomfort. I couldnt try to button a pair of pants right now if I tried and did not sleep well because I typically sleep on my stomach. I really hope this doesnt last long. Of course add all that to my anxiety of today, I am an emotional mess. While Im very hopeful that this works Im so scared it wont and all this time, money, discomfort will be for nothing. Im sure all these hormones have nothing to do with the fact I just wanna crawl in a corner and cry.....time to head to the RE office.

Sitting in the lobby waiting.....Greg is beside me SNORING....haha....we havent even been sitting here that long. Hopefully he doesnt snore to loud while Im having the procedure, because I wont be here to wake him up.

 

Procedure done!!! It was pretty short and simple. It was pretty cool when they showed me when the little swimmers were released (it was just a big blog of white). Now Im getting super crampy and just wanna go home and sleep. My phone is blowing up with well wishes, update requests, and just simple I love yous. Reminds me how loved we are but also reminds me of all those I do not want to let down. I know they will love me regardless but I know there are so many that want this just as much as we do. So now we have started our TWO WEEK WAIT... these next 14 days are going to be torture. I will try my best to keep my mind occupied and off of all things infertility. Gonna try to stay positive.

Dear Aunt Flo....

Your decision to delay your visit is not exactly assisting with my desire to start a family and is wearing on my patience. You usually arrive within 5-7 days, its been 12!!!

 It seems the one time that I anxiously anticipate your arrival you decide to take your sweet time. Typically you arrive right like clockwork. I apologize I have suppressed your visits for the last year, but I could not endure the pain and heartache you caused me every month. However, this time I get excited every time I think I feel my ovaries move or the slightest cramp. Unfortunately, that usually just turns out to be hunger or gas pains. This extra time is making my mind go 100 miles per hour, giving me time to rethink if I really want to go through this and risk more possible heart ache, risk having multiples, or risk financial hardships that I may not be ready for. The delay in your arrival also makes me wonder if there is something wrong. I have track your visits for the last 5 years and you have always been way more predictable.This time I welcome the cramps, bloating, and moodiness because I know it takes us one step closer to our ultimate goal of starting a family. So if you could expedite you arrival that would be great.

Sincerely
Me

P.S. Feel free to leave all of those horrible side effects at home.

Ready...Set....IUI

So I'm set.....but ready, that's another story. My fear of my body failing me has been very hard to ignore, I want this so bad and not sure I can handle failure. I get so excited one moment, but it is quickly taken over by fear. Fear of letting Greg down, our parents....Fear of finding out after these procedures that my body wont cooperate and I'll never carry a baby.  I question every thing in my life trying to find a reason not to do it so I can avoid a negative test. I've convinced myself at least once a day that we shouldn't do this....

But then I realize that I want this more than anything in the world and I won't know till I try. We have the most amazing family and friends that I know will pick us back up if this does not go the way we hope. I suffered probably the biggest heartbreak of my life last year losing my dog of 14 years, and I survived. It sucked and my heart was shattered but I am doing okay today.

So we move forward, I stopped my birth control on Friday so my Day 1 should arrive in the next couple of days and then the medications and countdown begins. I'm sure this will be the longest month of my life!!!! Stay tuned as I plan to document the next 30 or so days....and for those following that are in my everyday life - Thank you for your patience and understanding... I haven't been sharing every thing going on with a lot of people mainly because I do not want to have to tell everyone we tried..but it didn't work. So prayers and thoughts are appreciated during the next month and hopefully we will have some good news to follow.

The next chapter begins....

Since our appointment on the 14th, I have researched and gathered information, talked to doctor offices, insurance companies, prescription savings programs and pharmacies, trying to save as much as possible for our IUI attempt. I have added my short term disability and hospital confinement supplemental insurance policies that will assist me when we have a baby, and considered a Flexible Spending Account to take advantage of tax free money to help pay for medical stuff. My spreadsheet is made and the grand total including travel and hotel to and from Raleigh is $3700.00. Funding has been secured for the process, and our fingers are crossed.

We havent yet decided when we will begin the cycle so Greg and I will sit down this weekend and figure out at date. We will also work on our finances and budgets so we can begin to save some money to be prepared for starting our family.

You would think this process would be exciting, and at times it is. But I can not control my mind from thinking of all the what ifs. What if it doesnt work, what if it works, what if I miscarry, what if I have twins.........    And now a whole new to do list has started in my mind....including stopping drinking diet sundrop....YIKES!!! now that is stressful!!!!

So for those of you who follow or check in occasionally, be prepared to see the good the bad and the ugly of an IUI cycle......Im sure that I am gonna need to do a lot of venting, ranting, and crying in the next few weeks. Prayers and thoughts are much appreciated <3

Dear 2015, please be nice.....

Another year has come and gone. I am so glad 2014 is gone, it was by far the worst year of my life.
Our plans to proceed with IUI/IVF were halted when I was laid off in January, followed by a series of other unplanned obstacles and heartache throughout the year. So Ive been excited and anxious to get started again and I have everything lined up to revive our plans to have a baby, except money. Today was my first appointment since last January with my RE. The appointment was a consultation to discuss our options. My heart is so ready to start a family but my brain tells me Im insane for even thinking its a possibility. I go into the appointment this morning thinking this is it, Im going to do what ever i need to so we cant start this process. I leave thinking this is crazy for even making the appointment, we cant afford this, and every other reason or negative thought has gone through my mind.....


I think its so unfair that I have to pay so much for something that others pay nothing for....I wonder why this is happening to us. All I want is a definite answer, to know if it is even possible for me to get pregnant, are we wasting our money doing something that isn't gonna work? I don;t know how to talk to anyone really about it. I know that there are those that are eager to help us but its so hard to communicate about it and ask for help. I always feel so alone in this, I feel like no realizes how hard it really is. I have an awesome support system of friends and family, so I dont understand why its so hard. I was excited about the appointment today so I actually told a few people I wouldn't normally tell so now I dread their questions and request for updates. I really need to figure out how to open up to others about it besides just putting on a strong happy front to appease them and make them think I'm okay.

I wish I could just say never mind I do not want kids, we are happy the way we are. But even Greg feels something is missing and we both long to feel that void. It just seems so easy to turn around and walk away from it. I don't know what will hurt worse.

The plan is to start and IUI cycle tomorrow.....but I really dont know what I am gonna do. I can not bring my self to ask for help with it due to the amount of money it is gonna take for a "possible" pregnancy. I can not communicate with those I love, including my husband, as I face one of the most important decisions of my life. I do not know if I can handle another day of this infertility struggle. There is so much I need to be doing: pricing medications, filling out grant applications, and lining up funding but the thought of picking up the phone or researching the internet makes me sick to my stomach......and feel so incredibly alone.

10 Things I want people to know about our infertility journey....

So i have been thinking a lot about what I would say if I was given a microphone and one hour to explain to a group of people about our infertility journey. At first I was thinking about what I would tell our friends and family if given the chance but that quickly turned into a list of stuff I would avoid mentioning........So here it goes

10 things I want people to know about me and infertility

1)  This journey makes me feel bi-polar. The emotional roller coaster has been ridiculous, one day Im hopeful, optimistic, excited and the next im depressed, sad, negative, and mentally drained. One day I can enjoy talking about everything and sharing our story and the next I want to slap anybody that asks about it. So I hope that if someone catches me on that bad day they dont take it personal and realize that although we just had a pleasant talk about everything an hour ago doesnt mean I want to talk about it now and please dont misunderstand my emotions and reactions. Im trying to get through these hard times and not inconvenience everyone around me. Please understand if "I just dont feel like" doing things. Usually Ill make some excuse like i have to clean the house or something....and its really nothing personal I just mentally need to be alone.

2) Every time I take a pregnancy test I feel like Im gonna puke while waiting for the results, and every time its negative my heart is broken as if I have lost a part of me. Its the exact same feeling I have felt when I have lost a loved one, except for it happens every single month......the grief is real, and it makes "starting over" and trying again every month very hard. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just give up on our dream of having kids. I have never done a pregnancy test when anyone (including Greg) is around. I never want anyone to be around to see that, and its something I feel like is better delt with alone because no one could possibly understand it.

3) Sex.....sure everyone loves sex..

Time to dust the cobwebs off.....

I have definitely noticed a pattern in me and this blog. It seems the better I am doing the more I write, and the past 2 months have been the hardest months in coping with infertility...... however today I write because I need to get this all out of my mind, even if it makes me feel a little better temporarily...which

Kid's birthdays, baby showers, pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, school graduations (pre k, kindergarten, and high school), college bound teenagers ARE EVERYWHERE....not to mention movies about babies or even those that touch on infertility but fails to show the real heartache and struggle it includes... and I sit here and wonder if it will ever be us..... or are we just meant to live vicariously through everyone else and settle for enjoying everyone else's kids. I can't imagine that is god's plan for us, I just don't believe that this is the path we are meant to take. I try to talk myself into the benefits of a "child free" life, or adoption but it makes me nauseous to think that is our only option, so for not I have decided to keep those thoughts out of my mind, because that is not an option for my heart.

We haven't exhausted all of our options yet but the options and decisions we have left to make scare the hell out of me. First of all we have to wait till

1st Public Infertility Post.....

POSTED....

My heart is still racing and while I was typing the post I was in tears.....these dang emotions are ridiculous. I don't know where all that anxiety and fear came from, it was just a very basic post that took me almost and hour to press the post button. My mind continues to race wonder what people are gonna think and say, hoping that they really read the article before the comment or say one of those horrible phrases "just relax" "try this" or "just adopt". Not to mention this is so not like me, there is very little about myself that I do not share and there is nothing else that gives me this much anxiety to share with people. There are a few that I share most of this stuff with but there are still things that only Greg and I know, and actually there are somethings that I dont even think Ive mentioned to Greg. I sometimes wish I could shout out to the world how much this sucks, how bad it sucks to be on a schedule, how bad daily in hormone medications and injections make you feel, how I hate having to wake up and take my temperature every morning or pee on a stick two weeks out of the month, not to mention having to take pregnancy test even though you know what it is going to say. Diseases tend to have alot of "unknown" about them, but dealing with a diseases that is not considered a disease by many including insurance companies or the government, is not taken seriously by many because "you can always adopt", has limited financial assistance, and forget about emotion support from friends and family. How can anyone possibly understand what we are going through if they havent been through this.  I keep hearing my phone give me facebook notifications of activity but Im scared to check them.....I know we both have awesome family and friends, so you would think this would be easier. Maybe one day it will be, and maybe one day I can help others who are struggling with Infertility find their voice, but first I have to find mine.

Posted 4.22.14 ~  1:29pm

Happy Easter....

Day 1 of National Fertility Awareness Week, and Easter Sunday. Usual morning cup of coffee and facebook stalking....however today is different, its another one of those "holidays" that I fight back the emotion as I watch everyone wake up to the excitement of their children, getting them all dressed up for church and the daily festivities. I become jealous of everyone that gets to experience this and find myself getting a little angry and overwhelmed and just want to crawl into bed and stay there all day and wait for this day to be over. Some holidays are harder than others, today I just keep thinking that I get to go to  my grandma's house (my little happy place over the river and through the woods - literally!), I get to spend the day with my parents, siblings, and all of my nieces. Then I realize its gonna be worse if I decide to stay in bed and watch the pictures of my nieces pop up in my facebook feed instead of being there with them. So Im up, cooking my designated dishes for Easter dinner, getting ready to go pick up my sister and niece, and will just have to suck it up. Ill have all night to be depressed and sad, while I cuddle up with  my husband, my doggies and a bottle of wine.

Starting tomorrow, I will have to rebuild my courage to share my story and my blog publicly as very few people close to me know about this. My husband knows about it and Ive showed it to him (months ago) but Im sure he has thought nothing else of it since them, and I really dont discuss the blog with him. But I think its important that I do share it, I know there are so many in our lives that we dont keep updated are curious but afraid to ask. I also know that the few that know arent really sure how to react to it, how to bring it up, or what questions to ask which causes an awkwardness when around them. Of course I have been saying for a long time that I was going to share it, so we will see what happens.

Happy Easter everyone!!! Rant is complete, tears have stopped, now back to cooking and getting ready for a day full of family and easter eggs!

"Financially Infertile"

I read this term somewhere a few months back...."Financially Infertile" aka the inability to conceive due to lack of money to do so. Currently I am struggling with the decision to attempt an IUI cycle which will use one of the two vials of preserved semen we have. If we do the IUI and it works we have saved alot of money.....however if we attempt it and it doesnt work we have essentially utilized alot money, time, and very valuable sperm. Then we have IVF, if we attempt one cycle of IVF and it works it will be worth every penny of the thousands of dollars, then there is the chance that it doesnt work; the embryo doesnt implant, it implants but i miscarry, and so many other things that could go wrong....and our only option is to start all over again.

We still have no clue what is keeping me from becoming pregnant, there are still so many things that could be wrong or go wrong and the IVF and IUI are not a guarantee that I will conceive. Of course I have the obvious Endometriosis and cyst that could be responsible for alot of things but unless I opt for invasive procedures that may or may not work I am left with the unknown and risk of it affecting my ability to conceive.

Then on the financial side of things my brain tells me I need to hold off on everything until i secure employment after being laid off in January, but
 my heart tells me I need to keep going. I have heard people my whole life say "if you wait to you can afford it you never will". I see people everyday having kids in worse situations that we are in. Although I dont have a job we have managed so far with minimum help and are very lucky to have parents that are able and willing to help.  But it is one thing to ask with help for the essentials that we need, than it is to ask for help to complete our family. I have began the process of the grant applications, and thought of many ways to raise money for the IVF. So many people have offered to help and suggested a fundraising site such as gofundme, and one side of me says go for it and if they want and can help they will, but the other side of me says that is crazy to ask people for help. I feel like there are so many people out there that need help with things more important than my desire to have children. But I dont know how else to do it.....I have no clue how we are going to come up with $15,000 for one cycle of IVF that MIGHT work, or if it does I have to come up with it all over again if I want to have another child. Of course having a family will be worth every penny but its coming up with those pennies that are a struggle for me. Im afraid that the financial side of things have become so stressful that it may affect my ability to conceive and if it doesnt work Im not sure how I would recover and start all over knowing we already owe money for a cycle that didnt work and risk doubling that for another 50/50 chance.

You can not put a price tag on a child and having a family of your own and one day I will figure it all out, but for now it is on my mind every day trying to figure out ways to make it work. I wish I had the ability to finance it on my own and I wouldn't think twice, but asking for help financing this from others is overwhelming. Im so afraid that if I wait to long then my biological clock is gonna expire so my heart tells me I have to move forward now regardless of my job situation and accept help from those willing, but my brain tells me I am crazy to do this without a job and unfair of me to ask others for assistance especially when I do not have a job..............I wake up ever morning and search my brain to see if I have it all figured out yet, maybe one day I will just make that decision and go for it, until then Ill continue to ramble on back and forth on what I should do.

Updates, Pinterest & More

So I finally took a little time to update this blog and my pinterest ~ I have been using this blog a basically a "journal" for myself, and with there being so many interesting infertility blogs out there that keep it funny and positive, I figured there would be no one really interested in mine. However, I have had many people reach out to me regarding my blog over the past few months and I realized that even the negative, sad & depressing posts help others in my situation realize they are not alone. Hopefully one day I get to a point where my blog isnt so sad, but in the meantime Ill continue to express my feelings in the way they come.

So check out the About Us section of the blog to see where we have been and where we are at today in our journey ~ http://achievingfertility.blogspot.com/p/about-us.html

Then head over to the Infertile Love Pinterest for information that I have used, found interesting, and that has been helpful in my search for answers and guidance ~ http://www.pinterest.com/infertilelove/

I also have a facebook created but I have not published it yet, and Im always open to questions, suggestions, and comments!

Baby Class?? Sure why not....

So I volunteered to go to a "Baby Fast" class...this is a class that my little sister signed up for that provides resources for young parents and supports them in finishing school. So my sister asked me to go with her to the "meeting" to be her support person and I agreed.....well this "meeting" was a group of young parents, their children and some young mothers still expecting, and the parents support team. As if seeing new born babies and pregnant girls everywhere wasnt overwhelming enough, the meeting started off with singing and dancing to nursery rhymes..........then we are broken into groups to discuss a new parent "situation", THEN we are all separated and taken into different rooms ~ moms in one room, dads in one room, and support groups in another. Little did i know this was a "therapy" session. We all went around the room and introduced ourselves and then the question "How did you find out about the baby?".....what i heard was....How did you find out that your 17 year old little sister that you raise through most of her teenage years was pregnant? Well.....that brought back soooo many emotions.... and memories....

My little sister came to live with me in 2008, the same year as my laproscopic surgery/ovary removal and the beginning of our quest to have children.  In 2009 when she began to be a full blown teenager, doing crazy teenage stuff and experimenting with everything, I became aware that it was possible that she may be or become sexually active. So through many conversations I made it VERY clear, that the worst thing she could do was come home pregnant.....and of course she probably thought I was just being the super overprotective sister but the real reason was I was not sure how I would handle such a situation....of course just thinking of my sister getting pregnant at such young age scare me, BUT what scared me more was I didnt know how I would react.....I was so scared that I would be too angry, too jealous, and have so much animosity towards her and the baby....I was so scare I wouldnt be able to control my anger and emotions and it would turn into a bad situation.  Just the thought that she could come home pregnant made me sick to my stomach....

And back my answer to the question in the baby class "therapy session" Well the day came that I got the phone call.......

Avoiding All Things Infertility

Since my layoff at the beginning of the year I have avoided all thing infertility. Trying not to think about anything because without a job and with health insurance there is no way we can proceed with anything....and I just dont want to acknowledge the fact that my husband is now on testosterone supplements and our only option at this point will be invitro using his frozen swimmers. Im overwhelmed with what it will cost of to try to have a child and realizing that we might spend all that money and it still not work. I should be grateful we still have options that might work, but part of me just wants to say screw it and give up.

Im going into my interviews and they always ask if I have any questions and I just want to be able to explain to them that I have a medical condition that might cause me to miss a day or two during the month, and that I plan to have children and since its not as easy for me as it is for others I might need time off during that process, and I want to ask if my desire to have children will be a problem for them. I have come this far and the last thing I want to have to do is face a road block when my employer is unhappy when these situations arise. But I dont ask these questions or explain the situation because I know, although illegal, disclosing this information will more than likely keep me from getting the job.

Every time I get to the point and say "I give up, and we will just be happy being aunt stacy and uncle greg", Greg decides he wants to remind me about how much he wants a little Greg or little Stacy running around....and I know that truly what I want to but sometimes I just feel like there is no fight left in me, sometimes I just feel like replying "we've decided not to have children anymore" when people ask me just so I dont feel obligated to explain. It just seems like the childless life would be so much easier....no more medical stuff....no needing to borrow money or get help from our parents to financially afford the fertility meds and appointments..no need for a loan for invitro so we dont risk owing all this money if it doesnt work...no need to fill out fertility grant applications that just cause me to relive the entire situation......and no more feeling alone while we battle this "disease" that no one understands.

I know avoidance isnt going to help anything but it seems like its my only option until we get insurance coverage and I have income coming in. It is kind of pointless to stress myself out over researching, thinking, and deciding anything about infertility while I am unemployed. Sometimes I wonder if this happened for a reason to stop all the madness that was consuming me so I could reflect on the situation...but I always come back to we really want children of our own and would do just about anything to make that happen. I have got to believe there is a light at the end of this tunnel and no matter how we get there, how much money we have to come up with, or how much stress we have to go through. Something good has to come out of all this.

Surviving 2013

I know, I know....I have been MIA for a little while....but Im still here...and still not pregnant......

We survived one of the toughest years of our lives. I am so happy to see 2013 behind us and I look forward to 2014 and plan to take this year head on. I haven't really thought of any "resolutions" but my plan is to "be happy".  2013 brought us so much uncertainty.....financial struggles....anxiety and depression.....marital stress...and loneliness. Last year we fought infertility mostly alone, only updating close friends and family with only the information we wanted them to know. But a lot we kept to ourselves, or should I say a lot I kept to myself.....

December was by far the worst of all the months in last year. I finished my last clomid attempts

My Dog Ate My....

......ovulation stick!!!

So my estimated peak ovulation time was yesterday....after taking clomid last week I started using the ovulation predictor sticks on Monday, twice a day. I have yet to have a positive ovulation result but Im pretty sure that I ovulated sometime Tuesday night (bc I had a little discomfort during the night). Well I wake up Wednesday morning and complete my usual routine....pee in a cup, dip the stick, and sit it on the bathroom counter, and go fix breakfast while I wait the 3 minutes for the test to finish. Well I return to check the stick and its gone.........first I think my husband must have thrown it way thinking it was an old one so I turn around to ask him and there stands my dog, Bailey, with the package the stick came in at her feet. I looked every where for the stick and I have concluded that she ate it....like she does EVERYTHING else...lol.... so Ill continue to do the ovulation test every morning until 1) I start my cycle or 2) I get an actual positive result & we will continue trying to conceive....  

Not looking forward to doing another round of clomid, I was super moody and emotional last week, boy am I glad thats over for now and I know so is Greg!

"Mommy time to get up"

Living with Endometriosis

Growing up I always knew that something wasn't right, and no one seemed to understand. I clearly remember my first few cycles and what everyone around me called normal menstrual cramps. I thought of them as more like excruciating contracting and twisting of my lower abdominal organs, pain so bad it would almost always make me sick to my stomach. I was in and out the doctor every month and was told I had "dysmenorrhea" defined as excessive menstrual cramps that interfere with daily activity, and was sent home with extra strength aleve and birth control. Well mine didnt just interfere with daily activity, it interfered with weekly activities, relationships due to the lack of understanding, work & school, and my entire life for at least one week every month.

The worst part about it is no one understood, and they still dont understand. In school I found my self missing school and having to explain my absences because I didnt always have a doctors not (bc I couldnt afford to go to the doctor every month for something they really couldnt do much about but feed me drugs). Even the doctors never seemed to take it as serious as I thought they should. I just couldnt understand why my menstrual cramps seemed so much worse than everyone elses, and I began to thing everyone just thought i was being a baby.  And it isnt just the monthly cramping, due to the scar tissue attaching itself where ever it wants in my abdomen, I experience cramping and pain about 70% of the time in my abdomen, back, and legs, although its not excruciating  - it is annoying and uncomfortable. Also endometriosis makes sex painful which is quite an issue when you are trying to get pregnant. Not only all that....it makes you infertile!

Feeling alone and crazy I began to get bad anxiety every month "waiting" for my menstrual cycle and waiting for the pain........As and adult