My Dog Ate My....

......ovulation stick!!!

So my estimated peak ovulation time was yesterday....after taking clomid last week I started using the ovulation predictor sticks on Monday, twice a day. I have yet to have a positive ovulation result but Im pretty sure that I ovulated sometime Tuesday night (bc I had a little discomfort during the night). Well I wake up Wednesday morning and complete my usual routine....pee in a cup, dip the stick, and sit it on the bathroom counter, and go fix breakfast while I wait the 3 minutes for the test to finish. Well I return to check the stick and its gone.........first I think my husband must have thrown it way thinking it was an old one so I turn around to ask him and there stands my dog, Bailey, with the package the stick came in at her feet. I looked every where for the stick and I have concluded that she ate it....like she does EVERYTHING else...lol.... so Ill continue to do the ovulation test every morning until 1) I start my cycle or 2) I get an actual positive result & we will continue trying to conceive....  

Not looking forward to doing another round of clomid, I was super moody and emotional last week, boy am I glad thats over for now and I know so is Greg!

"Mommy time to get up"

Living with Endometriosis

Growing up I always knew that something wasn't right, and no one seemed to understand. I clearly remember my first few cycles and what everyone around me called normal menstrual cramps. I thought of them as more like excruciating contracting and twisting of my lower abdominal organs, pain so bad it would almost always make me sick to my stomach. I was in and out the doctor every month and was told I had "dysmenorrhea" defined as excessive menstrual cramps that interfere with daily activity, and was sent home with extra strength aleve and birth control. Well mine didnt just interfere with daily activity, it interfered with weekly activities, relationships due to the lack of understanding, work & school, and my entire life for at least one week every month.

The worst part about it is no one understood, and they still dont understand. In school I found my self missing school and having to explain my absences because I didnt always have a doctors not (bc I couldnt afford to go to the doctor every month for something they really couldnt do much about but feed me drugs). Even the doctors never seemed to take it as serious as I thought they should. I just couldnt understand why my menstrual cramps seemed so much worse than everyone elses, and I began to thing everyone just thought i was being a baby.  And it isnt just the monthly cramping, due to the scar tissue attaching itself where ever it wants in my abdomen, I experience cramping and pain about 70% of the time in my abdomen, back, and legs, although its not excruciating  - it is annoying and uncomfortable. Also endometriosis makes sex painful which is quite an issue when you are trying to get pregnant. Not only all that....it makes you infertile!

Feeling alone and crazy I began to get bad anxiety every month "waiting" for my menstrual cycle and waiting for the pain........As and adult

It's a...............

So a few posts back I mentioned throwing this baby shower for a dear friend for the pending arrival of baby girl Zaylee. Paige went into labor and delivered this sweet bundle of joy on 11.12.13, well turns out IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, Im still kinda in shock........as Im sure mommy and daddy are too! The family is doing great and at home now with baby boy Titus Monroe Bachellor ~ and he has the cutest button nose I have ever seen :)

This has given me some serious baby fever.....and sent me back into a researching, over analyzing, frenzy......seriously this has got to happen for us soon!! I just cant imagine that it is not meant for us to have children of our own.

I have been off birth control now for over a month and have yet to start my cycle, no ovulation, no cycle and no day 1 so I can start my clomid.......seriously any time i have ever missed a pill in my entire life, i have what seems like a full blown menstrual cycle the next day.....and now we are going on over a month.....my calendar is ready, prescription is in hand, ovulation & pregnancy test are ready, and WE ARE READY!

Greg's appointment for his cryropreservation is Dec 3rd, and we also have a consultation with the fertility clinic that is doing the preservation to discuss options should this trying it on our own doesnt work.....BUT i can't help to be hopeful that this is going to work. I mean give us a break on the first one since we know any future attempts are gonna cost us a bunch of money.....

So we wait.....and hope that one day we get to experience the baby showers, the baby gifts, decorating a nursery, buying diapers, and welcoming baby Pullen.

In the meantime I will continue to fight through the negative feelings, the jealousy, the anger and not let this disease make me a bitter person. So far, so good and thankfully I have a lot of amazing babies, and children in my life that helps me keep my focus on my love for them :)

Hoping I made the right decision.....

So on to my next crazy decision............Ive mentioned my 17 year old sister being pregnant.......this is the same sister that lived with me from ages 12-15. She is now emancipated and for the last 6 months has been trying to find a place to live for her and her boyfriend. She is still a senior in highschool, and I am very proud of her to still be in school and doing well given the circumstances over the last couple years. As a teenager who is old enough to drop out, as well as emancipated, I am amazed at her determination to stay in school and graduate.

A few months ago she mentioned looking for a place to live, she had found a few places that fell through, and now was looking at going to a shelter. So my husband and I had several talks about her and her situation. As much as I wanted to help I knew #1 I was not in a financial state to take care of anyone else given what we were going through with all this fertility mess & #2 she was pregnant, about to bring a baby into this world which is what Greg and I have been working so hard for so long....

To my surprise it was Greg's idea to let her come stay with us. We had daily conversations about it for over a week because I just wasnt sure it was the best decision for us....one of my major concerns was that what if she doenst have anywhere to go when the baby came??  We had already struggled with that situation before with my sister Amber...and I felt horrible that we were not prepared to have a newborn in the home.  Then one day Greg just looked at me after I asked him the same questions over and over and said...."Stacy it will all work out, we will handle it when it happens, stop worrying about it" Of course Greg knows me better than anyone and I know he was thinking that I would be devastated if my sister went to a shelter and dropped out of school.  So at that point a decision was made to let her come stay with us.

It has been two weeks and so far so good. While I excited about having another niece I am also scared for my little sister. I know that everything will work out but I know she really has no clue what is about to happen, and the lifestyle changes that are about come. I mean I cant tell you Im 100% prepared for having a child. But I hope that Im able to help a little bit and right now the best thing I can do for my sister and my niece is allow her to stay with me and help her finish school. Again I think I would really regret allowing Infertility to make me a person I am not. Under any normal circumstance I would have not thought twice about this decision. So now we just figure it all out from here and await the arrival of Miss Kahmayah!

Due March 25, 2014

WE HAVE SWIMMERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The results are in! Total Sperm Concentration from ZERO to 70 Million after 3 months of injections of Repronex & Novarel and doctors not being super optimistic that it was gonna work after other failed tries with other meds. We are well over the normal range, 61% motility ~ all are forward progressing with 40% being rapid ~ and 30% are normal which is the only value Id like to see higher BUT 30% of 70million, Ill take it!

February 2013 ~ Zero Count

October 2013 ~ 70 million

  So of course Im SUPER HAPPY about that :) :) not to mention Greg has been gleaming all weekend. That is after I got over being SOOO mad at him for not calling me as soon as he got the results & making me wait till after he got off work to share the news.......ughh MEN !! 

Again the emotional roller coaster has taken us for a ride, in light of the great news, we are now faced with the decision of what to do next..........After being super mad a Greg for not calling me and then being completely ecstatic about the news, the anxiety and stress of what our next step will be has set in...of course step one is an appointment with a fertility clinic to find out our options on sperm preservation so that Greg does not have to go through these injections again and can get put on testosterone supplements asap.

Then step 2 gets a little trickier..........do we go with the doctors recommendations and go straight into the expensive, not covered by insurance, IVF???? They recommend this due to my medical issues, the cysts on my remaining ovary...the scar tissue from the endometriosis and them wanting to avoid any invasive procedure to me that might risk damaging something further.....

OR do we go with my intuition that says you have got to try this naturally in an attempt to have to avoid the expense of IVF. I have a left over round of clomid at home......I can come off my birth control, invest in more Ovulation tests and hope for the best. I know that any future attempt once we get Greg on testosterone supplements we will have to do IVF or IUI so my gut tells me that I have to give this a shot. I will feel much better about jumping into the more expensive and invasive options if I at least try this. I was 100% about this decision when I seen a post come across that was posted from an endocrinology page......

Birth control was stopped on Saturday, I am calling today for the appointment for the sperm preservation, I have printed my calendars and will be ordering my ovulation test shortly......

Here we go! Fingers Crossed! Prayers Sent! 

Coming NOT Soon ENOUGH.....results.......

So Im in need of patience!!!! Greg has been on injections since the end of July...it seems like it has been a year.....The 72 day wait that was needed to give his body time to hopefully start producing little swimmers has passed, and Greg is on his way to pick up the results AS I TYPE............my stomach is in knots....I seriously cant stop thinking about the what ifs.......

What if the results are bad..................no swimmers...not enough....or abnormal............we will have such a big decision in front of us. Continue with treatment in hopes something will happen, eventually, but for how long??? Greg really needs to be on Hormone Therapy like stat!! He is so miserable and depressed a lot of the time and Im so stressed and emotional all the time bc of this so do we just stop here and consider being child free or adopting????

What if they are good....we have plenty of healthy wonderful swimmers......Although I would be ecstatic I still see that big red sign INSURANCE STOPS HERE.....they will not cover extraction and preservation, which will be a definite because we do not want to have to revisit the injections and Greg coming off of hormonal supplementation every time we want to have a kid...........they will not cover IUI or IVF........So with the good news comes the anxiety and stress of what to do next........being the crazy money saving couponing person I am I feel like I should immediately come off birth control, order some more ovulation strips, get my last refill of clomid filled and try naturally so that we could possibly save ourselves from the financial burden of IUI & IVF.....either way we have to figure out the preservation for the future but what if we can do it on our own just this once????? Of course that is against the recommendations of my doctor who wants me on birth control to better control my cycles and contain my cysts and endometriosis in preparation for IVF or IUI, but I just think I would feel better going into those if I know that it is the only option left.

This waiting really stinks.....every time my phone rings I jump....just tried to call him and no answer, hopefully he is picking them up?!?! ughhhhhh......

Baby Shower............Mission Accomplished!

I did it!! I survived planning and throwing a baby shower. I decided awhile back to throw a baby shower for a dear friend. We have been friends for many years now and she has done so much for me, mainly helping me keep my sanity! She is always there to listen, and always offers to help in anyway she can.

 

The main reason for the shower was to do something for her for everything she has done for me. The second reason was keep me focused on not allowing infertility to make me the angry bitter person. In the past year I have purposely avoided baby showers and kids birthdays, I have gotten anxious when shopping for kids/babies, and worst of all I have had feelings of jealousy and resentment when finding out people are pregnant or seeing pregnant people and people with their new babies. THIS IS NOT ME AT ALL...........I have always absolutely LOVED kids, I enjoy anytime of gathering with friends and family, and I have been so happy for everyone when I get the news of the pregnancy. So my mission was to prove to myself that I was not letting this infertility redefine me and make me an angry bitter person. Sure some of the feelings and emotions are normal given the circumstance but for a while I almost felt as I was losing control of everything.

Don't get me wrong, planning a baby shower was no easy task for me, I had days that I just wanted to cancel it or hand it all over to someone else. To get through those days I would just put everything down or try to mentally leave the "baby" out of it and start planning a "cookout". Some of my closets friends and family thought I was nuts for doing it, but if I had the decision to make all over again I would not hesitate to do it again for her. The last thing I want is to become a miserable, angry person. I know that I will have my moments but I do not want a day to come when I cant dig my self out of those negative thoughts. So MISSION ACCOMPLISHED - baby shower planned and held without too many major breakdowns and I did not let infertility turn me into a negative bitter person. I can not wait for Miss Zaylee Paige to arrive so I can share in the joy of that precious gift!!

Now on to the next crazy venture..............(you all are sure to hear of that one real soon....)

Pharmacy Frustration!!!

I wrote briefly about my frustration with my pharmacy in previous posts. I FINALLY got the issues resolved after 3 weeks of dealing with multiple pharmacies, and my husbands doctor thinking we were trying abuse the medications bc they had to contact several different pharmacies before we finally got it right. My insurance recently started requiring us to use a certain mail order pharmacies for any medication requiring more than 2 refills or they charge us a surcharge. After dealing with this mail order pharmacy for 2 weeks saying they didnt get the prescriptions, they couldnt verify the prescription was faxed from a doctors office, that they couldnt talk to me bc the could find my HIPA authorization, and lots of other issues I finally find out two days before my husband is due for his shot and after two weeks of trying to get it filled that I have to go through a specialty pharmacy. So the process started ALL OVER again :( Imagine my frustration.... So I figured I would share some information that I learned from my experience in an attempt to save someone else from the same situation. When dealing with fertility meds its not as easy as the doctor call it in and you pick it up in an hour - please take a second to read all the information below bc I promise it will save you ALOT of frustration.

First things first!! If you are a spouse of the one receiving the medications but you are the one that typically handles ordering refills and pick up of the meds then

Another Sad Post............

Sometimes I feel like this infertility journey has made me a different person. The most obvious change to myself is my level of emotions seem multiplied by 1000. Almost like a permanent state of PMS that is triggered by the craziest things.

I found out last week that my cousin had a miscarriage. I surprised myself by my reaction ~ I immediately became super emotional and sat in the bathroom and cried as if it was something I was going through. I cried for her and her family because I know she was hurting, and then I cried for us. Greg and I are fighting so hard to have a family of our own and I don't know what I'm more scared of sometimes.........the thought of not being able to have children.....or the thought of having it then losing it. Getting that positive pregnancy test and then finding out something went wrong. I hear so many people say that they wait to tell everyone they are pregnant till after the "safe zone", but how do you determine what the safe zone is?? At the beginning of my infertility journey a close friend of my suffered a late term miscarriage and my heart broke for her but then I watched her pick her self up and try again.....I asked myself then if that was something I would survive, and my answer is still Im not sure I could do that. I think of how heart breaking it is to see the negative on the pregnancy test, or a zero sperm count on the lab results, and I worry that if something like that was to happen that would be my breaking point.

After I heard the news I messaged my cousin just to let her know I was thinking about her. I thought about how lonely she must feel

It's been a while......

The last 4 weeks of my life have been the most chaotic, stressful, and overwhelming. So much so that the "fertility" stuff took a back seat for a couple weeks ~ which I cant say was a bad thing because the fertility stuff was about to drive me insane. I sat down to right a post several times but I never completed one because although I use this a stress reliever, it actually started stressing me out more thinking about everything at once so I decided to wait on the posts until I was mentally in a better place.

My Aunt (who I mentioned in my last post) passed away September 15th. It is so hard to lose someone you love, but I realized it so much harder watching you loved ones suffer and watching your surviving loved ones hurt. She held on for over 2 weeks in hospice, most of which my mother and my aunt sat at side. As much as I hate that place "hospice" I tried to be there as much as possible to be there for my mom. We did have a few "minor" family meltdown but NOTHING like I was afraid of. I was expecting another World War, but everyone did try their best to understand that everyone grieves in different ways.

Unfortunately we have a few family members that rely on drugs and alcohol to grieve...

What Is Family???

Sometimes I feel so blessed to have such a large family. I have three sisters and a brother, all younger and all of which I am very close to and can not imagine them not being a part of my life. My mom and dad (step father) have been together for over 20 years and are a huge support system for Greg and I.  I have amazing in laws and I could not have imagined myself marrying someone that didn't value family as I do. I love and cherish my family through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Sometimes its just so hard.......

 On my dads side, my grandparents are still living and still married!!! I communicate almost on a weekly basis with most of my cousins and I know that I can count on them for anything and call them any time of the day or night. I must credit my grandparents for showing us that unconditional love and support all of our lives and teaching us to have love and compassion. I always tell people that I could be a serial killer and my grandmother would still love me (now dont get me wrong, she might hunt me down and take me out herself but she will do it out of love). But she has taught us although we make mistakes and we may not live and do things the way she would like, we are human and that she will love us through it all and try her best to guide us in the right direction. But what ever direction we choose we always know that our grandparents will be there and give us the guidance or discipline we need to do the right thing. We all try to get together a couple holidays a year, attend birthday parties, and take the kids places together. When tragedy strikes this family comes together without asking questions and we grow stronger by helping each other.

My mom's side...........well that's a completely different story.

The dreaded RE appointment....

Struggling a little today ~ overwhelmed with so many different parts of life that would be so much easier if we weren't dealing with this thing we call infertility.............This is definitely gonna be a depressing post and all over the place so I would recommend skipping this one....I just need to get it all out.

Finally went to my RE after months of putting the appointment off because I felt it was pointless to waste my time and money on an appointment when we didnt have Greg figured out yet (aka the fear and anxiety of hearing bad news and find out what additional tests and meds I was gonna need to spend more money on). I almost cancelled this one but forgot to call on Friday and I didnt want to pay the missed appointment fee. But Im glad I went, even though I left more confused and lost than ever. Im sure some of you are thinking.....why would you avoid your doctor during a time like this???

Well honestly the last month or so has been the hardest of this whole journey. This whole time I keep holding

Happy Birthday to Me!!

I must say my husband out did his self this year! Under normal circumstances I enjoy planning stuff and getting together with family and friends, however the last year I have found it overwhelming and stressful and I have not enjoyed having the responsibility of making sure everyone is invited, shows up, and has transportation. Not to mention the anxiety I get in having to entertain people and be my happy normal self. This weekend reminded me that I have the most awesome friends and family and how much they care and make me happy :) It also reminded my that our infertility is just a part of our life and I can not let it define us, which is good timing because Fall is a busy party planning time for me ~ my youngest niece turns 2 on Sunday, Im planning a baby shower for late Sept/early Octoberish, (yes i know a baby shower....yikes...but since its for someone that would do the same for me I know it will all be worth it and I will be glad I did), and our annual Halloween Party......so I will be a busy little bee!!! But anyway, back to the birthday festivities....

Greg had asked me what I wanted for my birthday several times and I told him that a simple dinner and movie would be fine with me and that I didn't need a big production for the big 32! Obviously he thought I deserved more ~ at first the anxiety took over when I realized he was planning weekend festivities....on Thursday I had a little pep talk with myself and made a decision that I was going to enjoy this weekend and just go with the flow with no expectations for the weekend but just enjoy it and be grateful that Greg was putting in effort to do something for me.

After a day of birthday festivities at work,

The Dreaded Waiting Game.....

I have read soooo much lately about the two week wait and Greg and I have not yet made it to that dreaded "two week wait". However over the last 5 years we have already done a lot of WAITING that I'm sure other infertiles can relate too.

First comes the wait for ovulation, then the wait for the menstrual cycle or lack of menstrual cycle so you can take that pregnancy test (although we all know you have taken one everyday for the last week). This cycle of Waits continues for a while until your doctor says its time to see a specialist.

Then comes the Wait for the Specialist Appointment....We actually got Greg's appointment pretty fast with only a one month wait for that ~ my appointment on the other hand was made 6 months out and calling every few days allowed me to move that up 3 months when a random appointment opened up.

Then there is the Wait for the Medications To Work and Test Results to come back.....Rounds of Clomid, with Ultrasounds & Blood tests....This is the time period I wanted to burn that calendar on the wall that tracks every detail of our reproductive life, the days were SOOO long. For the last few months it has been Greg's turn with the medications which has been "take this for a month and lets retest you"...we are at week two of Greg's Novarel & Repronex shots and the anxiety to know if it worked (or failed) is killing me!!!!!!!!!!! I want to send him to the doctor today to see if it is working......

Lastly there is to wait to see if we ever get to make it to the "two week wait", the wait to see if this is where our journey to have our own biological children ends and where the waiting game of adoption begins.....I must say I will gladly take the two week wait. But whatever happens I try to stay positive that whatever happens will be well worth the wait!

Organizing my life...

So when Im not engulfing myself in research, blogging, and reading about infertility or I get overwhelmed with it all, I have started a quest to organize my life......or atleast making myself think that I am....

From finally filing away all my important documents, cleaning out the "future nursery", to going through all my kitchen cabinets.....I have started it all!! But I have yet to organize my "organization plan" so I start one project and get side tracked with the next one which is driving me bananas!!!!!

One project I have started is organizing all my "infertility" stuff on a Pinterest account!! When i was filing away all my important documents and trashing the stuff i didnt need anymore I realized I had a HUGE stack of infertility information, grant applications, medication information..... I was getting so overwhelmed trying to organize all the information I had acquired that I decided to take a break to figure out what I was cooking for dinner, and thats where Pinterest came in. Needless to say we had left overs for dinner because I completely forgot about dinner and started pinning all my information that I had "bookmarked" or printed so that its all in one place when I actually need it, AND ITS ORGANIZED!!!! :)

Now back to organizing my "Organization Plan" for the rest of my life...........

http://pinterest.com/infertilelove

Emotions of Infertility.....Loss

Many of the feelings of loss are still "what ifs" and are fueled by anxiety.  Its so easy for someone on the outside to say, "you still have options"..."this worked for this person"..."but you can still adopt"...... They dont think about what a couple is going through internally when faced with the reality and having to make decisions about where to go from here. Whether it is deciding what to try next or having to deal with the reality of a treatment not working the one thing in the back of our minds is "what if we cant".

The first feelings of loss you feel is the feeling of self esteem & self worth ~ am I not good enough to have children...what did we do wrong...I cant give my husband/wife a child. In our case we both have our issues so we will always both have the worry or guilt of not being able to provide each other or our families with a child if we are unable to do so. I have found myself questioning every aspect of my life, wondering if there was anything we should have done, questioning my desire to have children, and even our ability to financially support a child. I was always 100% sure that I wanted children and to find myself questioning it now. I watch everyday as Greg becomes more and more unhappy with himself and blames himself. I try so hard to keep his spirits high and reassure him that it will all be okay but its so hard when sometimes I dont even believe it.

It must be in the water

and I must be on a separate water line.....

So my sister Amber (next to youngest sister & mom of my niece Mikaila) came by today to let me know that my little sister Jessi found out today that she was six weeks pregnant................let me rephrase that my little 17 YEAR OLD sister........

I swear this is the most unpredictable EMOTIONAL roller coaster I have ever been on. At first big sister/mother mode kicked in and my first question was "is she planning on finishing school??" All I have wanted for her for the longest time was to get through high school....Jessi has not had the easiest life and for several years she lived with me, and she was recently emancipated from her mother (our dad's widow). Greg and I were just talking about her last night about how proud we were of her and how happy we were that she was still in school and not into trouble and drugs. She has been with this guy for a while now and they were working on jobs and their own place prior to this so things were really looking up for Jessi. Obviously Im worried about her and Im scared for her because she has no clue what lies ahead but I have faith that it will all work out and I know she will need my support more now than ever. So the first 5 minutes consist of fear and worry......then came the auntie side of me thinking i needed to save all my stuff, shes gonna need lots of help, Im gonna have another niece/nephew to spoil & boy this is gonna be expensive lol......then came the dreaded sadness and pessimism about how unfair it is and why us. But this is not about us, she is pregnant now and she needs all the support she needs, and I HATE that she was worried about me and did not want to tell me because she didnt want to upset me (and probably didnt want to hear my usual sisterly lectures)...... Im sure she is scared, but im also sure she is excited at the same time and I dont ever want her to think that Im mad or upset with her because of it.

Im finding it harder and harder to control my emotions and anxiety, mainly because it seems like I feel so many different things at once.

Emotions of Infertility.....Anxiety

Fear, Pain, Anger, Anxiety, Hopelessness, Sadness, Failure, Loss, Guilt, Pessimism..........I could go on and on. I think this has been one of the craziest emotional roller coasters we have ever been on!!!

The worst part about it is how hard it is to talk to others or even each other about all these emotions so instead we tend to repress them and act like everything is okay in front of everyone when i really want to scream, cry, and throw stuff. When I think about talking to someone about it or  sharing this blog I begin to talk my way out of it because I know it's not possible for them to understand and I fear of hearing those reassuring comments, "relax", "it will happen", "my friend has that too and had a kid". I know its not their fault they dont understand but I guess I feel its better not to put them in the awkward situation to have to reassure me.....

~~~~~ANXIETY~~~~~~

" anxiety is a feeling of fear, worry, and uneasiness, usually generalized and unfocused as an overreaction to a situation that is only subjectively seen as menacing" Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety 

A day with the nieces.....

Exhausted....... is what sums up today. Had a busy day with both of my 2 year old nieces today :) Those two little girls mean the world to me and I could not imagine my life without them.   My heart melted when my oldest niece, Evelyn, grabbed my face to kiss my "boo boo" on my face, and when my youngest niece, Mikaila, reached up to her "Uncle Greg" to pick her (although i was a little jealous bc she didnt want to come to me all day haha). That unconditional love of a child is something that can not be replaced, luckily Greg and I have these two little girls that give us that even though we are are just Aunt Stacy & Uncle Greg. It is also great that my siblings allow us to be such a big part of their lives.

Being with them is almost bittersweet, I makes me thank a lot about what we are missing out on with not having kids yet and how badly we want children of our own. It is never hard or depressing to be around them. They have a way of making my day better even if they run me to death. Its when they leave or I take them home that makes me sad, I can't wait till the day that we can be a part of a child's life and experience all of the firsts, to get to cuddle every night before bed, to get to hear them words mommy and daddy....

At the same time, knowing I have these two amazing little girls in my life, along with several other munchkins that belong to close friends and family, helps me realize that regardless of what our future holds I still have the opportunity to love an be loved by some awesome kiddos and enjoy days like today!!!!

                        Evelyn Marleigh <3                  Mikaila Brooke <3

       "i figured out that i can't compete with Dora, she always wins their attention :)"

In need of a money tree.....

Feeling a little anxious today ~ the doctor has just called in Novarel & Repronex injections for Greg. The doctor has prepared us that insurance may not cover it and it quite expensive. I have called the insurance company and gotten the "if its for specific purposes and medically necessary" it will be covered under "teir 4" (the most expensive copay)....but of course until the prescription is processed and approved they cant make any promises and with our purpose being for fertility we always have the chance they do not approve it for his low testosterone. My history with prescriptions, pharmacies, and the insurance company tell me to be prepared for the worst so Im not expecting anything to be covered and when it is it will be a nice surprise even if it is the most expensive copay AT LEAST ITS COVERED......The price of these meds without insurance is more than our monthly income a month so fingers crossed its covered!!! So having a slight melt down that Im hoping is resolved with a good news call from the pharmacy. The financial aspect of infertility is very stressful. Greg and I are luckily to have amazing parents who do what ever they can to support us emotionally and financially through this difficult time, but for us it is still hard to ask for that help and support. I remember it taking me days to let his parents know what was going on when the doctors were recommending we prepare for IVF, I knew the first question would be how much do you need...ughhhh how do you say $20,000 give or take??? I dont know anyone that has that kind of money laying around and the last thing I want is for someone else to have to take out a loan for that.  Although we have had help with the expenses incurred so far (copays, gas for specialist 2 hrs away, prescriptions., MRI, etc) it is still stressful to know that it only gets more expensive as we proceed with new treatments and it is hard not to feel like a burden to others when we should be self sufficient adults!

A support system is a sanity and marriage saver......

Ran across this quote this morning.....funny that I know this is true but find it so hard to do. As a psychology major who once wanted to be a therapist you would think I would find this easy to do - share our story, communicate with my loved ones........ which is what the purpose of this blog is! Sure I update my loved ones and a few select others about the procedures, test results, doctors recommendations.....but I never discuss my feelings, my fears, my hopes....and I still have not found the strength to share this blog - Im still not 100% sure i want my family reading this bc I worry that they will worry about me and thats the last thing I want them to do....

Most importantly, I have realized that I find it hard to communicate with my husband about it....we have spoke very little about the what ifs or the what now, just kinda going with the flow and hoping for the best. We both are typically very "blunt" and out spoken, but at the same time we both try very hard to keep each other happy and feelings safe from harm (if that makes sense) so i think this is where the communication issues comes in.....I intend to get my husbands permission before i post this blog publicly to our friends and family with our information on it but i cant even find the strength to show him the blog in fear that it will upset him. We left an appointment on Wednesday after my husbands MRI results where we were still left with no answers and we hardly spoke a word to each other.... I know I cant begin to imagine what is going through his head and I want so bad to reassure him that everything is okay but then I feel like I will be that person that says to me "everything is gonna be fine, everything happens for a reason" and I think "easy for you to say". Just as Im at a loss as to what to say to him I know that he isnt really sure what to say to me. I hate that he is bearing the burden of him having the problem that is keeping us from having biological children (although we know that I still have my own issues that may have the same result), and I know that having biological children means alot to him.....

I think the worst part is that we dont know why! MRI shows his pituitary gland looks good, there is no indication of blockages, but his T levels remain low and he has a non existent sperm count. With me we know what my issues are, we know i have Endometriosis and Ovarian Cysts...we know that my follicles do not want to produce an egg..so its a little easier to understand and to cope with.  We have all kinds of possible answers but nothing definite, nothing we know how to fix....

After two months of high dose clomid with no results, we have one last treatment plan that consist of Nolvarel & Repronex. If this doesnt work or we are not able to afford the treatment (as its not covered by our insurance) we are at a dead end, and we will need to start Greg on Testosterone Replacement Therapy to get him back to feeling normal. Unfortunately once he begins that we will need to begin considering other options such as adoption and communication between Greg and I will be more important than ever and the support from our friends and family is gonna be crucial through the process.

I am so grateful for those that take a second to listen to me and let me "vent" or talk myself through the process....it is what gets me through the day. Now to work on being able to do that with my husband so we can get through our battle together and do what is best for us!

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SIDE NOTE ~ if you know someone battling infertility I found this great article about what to say and not to say to a couple trying to conceive, its so easy to try to console your friend and understand we know you mean well but it may actually do more harm than good...this is a huge reason i have decided to limit what I talk about to others and limit who i talk too....  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/the-mommy-docs/5-things-to-never-say-to-a-friend-trying-to-conceive_b_3443976.html

First blog ever!

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In the past year or so I have found so much solace in following others in their infertility journeys in blogs, on Facebook and websites. I have envied each and every person that have been brave enough to put their struggles out there for the world to see. Although I keep those closest to me updated regularly on doctor's appointments and test results and I have a select few that I communicate with who are going through similar situation, I have never really opened up to anyone on my feelings about the infertility because I didnt want anyone to worry nor did I want to solicit any advice from people who had no clue about what we were going through.  About three months ago I began writing everything down....our story...our progress...our struggles....my worries.....hoping it would release me from some of the heartache, stress and worry. But it didnt....

That's where this blog comes in. First of all it is kind of my way in letting it all out in an attempt to release some of my thoughts and feelings to get them off my chest and allow others to better understand infertility, and understand how we as a couple are coping with it.  Secondly, Im hoping that getting this all out there will help someone else. Infertility is so overwhelming and its something that no one understands unless you have been through it!! I hate going to the doctors office being lost about what they were trying to explain to me and even more so I hated leaving and then thinking of 1000 questions I should have asked. So far I have come across so many awesome sources of information and I hope that sharing it with others that are fighting this same battle will help them in some way. Lastly, I'm hoping that this blog opens me up to new knowledge as people share more information and their stories with us!  ~Stacy <3

Blog coming soon ~ a little anxious but hopeful that sharing our story and everything we have learned so far with others will help us in our journey to have a family of our own!  Check back soon, Stacy :)   7/18/2013