10 Things I want people to know about our infertility journey....

So i have been thinking a lot about what I would say if I was given a microphone and one hour to explain to a group of people about our infertility journey. At first I was thinking about what I would tell our friends and family if given the chance but that quickly turned into a list of stuff I would avoid mentioning........So here it goes

10 things I want people to know about me and infertility

1)  This journey makes me feel bi-polar. The emotional roller coaster has been ridiculous, one day Im hopeful, optimistic, excited and the next im depressed, sad, negative, and mentally drained. One day I can enjoy talking about everything and sharing our story and the next I want to slap anybody that asks about it. So I hope that if someone catches me on that bad day they dont take it personal and realize that although we just had a pleasant talk about everything an hour ago doesnt mean I want to talk about it now and please dont misunderstand my emotions and reactions. Im trying to get through these hard times and not inconvenience everyone around me. Please understand if "I just dont feel like" doing things. Usually Ill make some excuse like i have to clean the house or something....and its really nothing personal I just mentally need to be alone.

2) Every time I take a pregnancy test I feel like Im gonna puke while waiting for the results, and every time its negative my heart is broken as if I have lost a part of me. Its the exact same feeling I have felt when I have lost a loved one, except for it happens every single month......the grief is real, and it makes "starting over" and trying again every month very hard. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just give up on our dream of having kids. I have never done a pregnancy test when anyone (including Greg) is around. I never want anyone to be around to see that, and its something I feel like is better delt with alone because no one could possibly understand it.

3) Sex.....sure everyone loves sex..

Time to dust the cobwebs off.....

I have definitely noticed a pattern in me and this blog. It seems the better I am doing the more I write, and the past 2 months have been the hardest months in coping with infertility...... however today I write because I need to get this all out of my mind, even if it makes me feel a little better temporarily...which

Kid's birthdays, baby showers, pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, school graduations (pre k, kindergarten, and high school), college bound teenagers ARE EVERYWHERE....not to mention movies about babies or even those that touch on infertility but fails to show the real heartache and struggle it includes... and I sit here and wonder if it will ever be us..... or are we just meant to live vicariously through everyone else and settle for enjoying everyone else's kids. I can't imagine that is god's plan for us, I just don't believe that this is the path we are meant to take. I try to talk myself into the benefits of a "child free" life, or adoption but it makes me nauseous to think that is our only option, so for not I have decided to keep those thoughts out of my mind, because that is not an option for my heart.

We haven't exhausted all of our options yet but the options and decisions we have left to make scare the hell out of me. First of all we have to wait till

1st Public Infertility Post.....

POSTED....

My heart is still racing and while I was typing the post I was in tears.....these dang emotions are ridiculous. I don't know where all that anxiety and fear came from, it was just a very basic post that took me almost and hour to press the post button. My mind continues to race wonder what people are gonna think and say, hoping that they really read the article before the comment or say one of those horrible phrases "just relax" "try this" or "just adopt". Not to mention this is so not like me, there is very little about myself that I do not share and there is nothing else that gives me this much anxiety to share with people. There are a few that I share most of this stuff with but there are still things that only Greg and I know, and actually there are somethings that I dont even think Ive mentioned to Greg. I sometimes wish I could shout out to the world how much this sucks, how bad it sucks to be on a schedule, how bad daily in hormone medications and injections make you feel, how I hate having to wake up and take my temperature every morning or pee on a stick two weeks out of the month, not to mention having to take pregnancy test even though you know what it is going to say. Diseases tend to have alot of "unknown" about them, but dealing with a diseases that is not considered a disease by many including insurance companies or the government, is not taken seriously by many because "you can always adopt", has limited financial assistance, and forget about emotion support from friends and family. How can anyone possibly understand what we are going through if they havent been through this.  I keep hearing my phone give me facebook notifications of activity but Im scared to check them.....I know we both have awesome family and friends, so you would think this would be easier. Maybe one day it will be, and maybe one day I can help others who are struggling with Infertility find their voice, but first I have to find mine.

Posted 4.22.14 ~  1:29pm

Happy Easter....

Day 1 of National Fertility Awareness Week, and Easter Sunday. Usual morning cup of coffee and facebook stalking....however today is different, its another one of those "holidays" that I fight back the emotion as I watch everyone wake up to the excitement of their children, getting them all dressed up for church and the daily festivities. I become jealous of everyone that gets to experience this and find myself getting a little angry and overwhelmed and just want to crawl into bed and stay there all day and wait for this day to be over. Some holidays are harder than others, today I just keep thinking that I get to go to  my grandma's house (my little happy place over the river and through the woods - literally!), I get to spend the day with my parents, siblings, and all of my nieces. Then I realize its gonna be worse if I decide to stay in bed and watch the pictures of my nieces pop up in my facebook feed instead of being there with them. So Im up, cooking my designated dishes for Easter dinner, getting ready to go pick up my sister and niece, and will just have to suck it up. Ill have all night to be depressed and sad, while I cuddle up with  my husband, my doggies and a bottle of wine.

Starting tomorrow, I will have to rebuild my courage to share my story and my blog publicly as very few people close to me know about this. My husband knows about it and Ive showed it to him (months ago) but Im sure he has thought nothing else of it since them, and I really dont discuss the blog with him. But I think its important that I do share it, I know there are so many in our lives that we dont keep updated are curious but afraid to ask. I also know that the few that know arent really sure how to react to it, how to bring it up, or what questions to ask which causes an awkwardness when around them. Of course I have been saying for a long time that I was going to share it, so we will see what happens.

Happy Easter everyone!!! Rant is complete, tears have stopped, now back to cooking and getting ready for a day full of family and easter eggs!

"Financially Infertile"

I read this term somewhere a few months back...."Financially Infertile" aka the inability to conceive due to lack of money to do so. Currently I am struggling with the decision to attempt an IUI cycle which will use one of the two vials of preserved semen we have. If we do the IUI and it works we have saved alot of money.....however if we attempt it and it doesnt work we have essentially utilized alot money, time, and very valuable sperm. Then we have IVF, if we attempt one cycle of IVF and it works it will be worth every penny of the thousands of dollars, then there is the chance that it doesnt work; the embryo doesnt implant, it implants but i miscarry, and so many other things that could go wrong....and our only option is to start all over again.

We still have no clue what is keeping me from becoming pregnant, there are still so many things that could be wrong or go wrong and the IVF and IUI are not a guarantee that I will conceive. Of course I have the obvious Endometriosis and cyst that could be responsible for alot of things but unless I opt for invasive procedures that may or may not work I am left with the unknown and risk of it affecting my ability to conceive.

Then on the financial side of things my brain tells me I need to hold off on everything until i secure employment after being laid off in January, but
 my heart tells me I need to keep going. I have heard people my whole life say "if you wait to you can afford it you never will". I see people everyday having kids in worse situations that we are in. Although I dont have a job we have managed so far with minimum help and are very lucky to have parents that are able and willing to help.  But it is one thing to ask with help for the essentials that we need, than it is to ask for help to complete our family. I have began the process of the grant applications, and thought of many ways to raise money for the IVF. So many people have offered to help and suggested a fundraising site such as gofundme, and one side of me says go for it and if they want and can help they will, but the other side of me says that is crazy to ask people for help. I feel like there are so many people out there that need help with things more important than my desire to have children. But I dont know how else to do it.....I have no clue how we are going to come up with $15,000 for one cycle of IVF that MIGHT work, or if it does I have to come up with it all over again if I want to have another child. Of course having a family will be worth every penny but its coming up with those pennies that are a struggle for me. Im afraid that the financial side of things have become so stressful that it may affect my ability to conceive and if it doesnt work Im not sure how I would recover and start all over knowing we already owe money for a cycle that didnt work and risk doubling that for another 50/50 chance.

You can not put a price tag on a child and having a family of your own and one day I will figure it all out, but for now it is on my mind every day trying to figure out ways to make it work. I wish I had the ability to finance it on my own and I wouldn't think twice, but asking for help financing this from others is overwhelming. Im so afraid that if I wait to long then my biological clock is gonna expire so my heart tells me I have to move forward now regardless of my job situation and accept help from those willing, but my brain tells me I am crazy to do this without a job and unfair of me to ask others for assistance especially when I do not have a job..............I wake up ever morning and search my brain to see if I have it all figured out yet, maybe one day I will just make that decision and go for it, until then Ill continue to ramble on back and forth on what I should do.

Updates, Pinterest & More

So I finally took a little time to update this blog and my pinterest ~ I have been using this blog a basically a "journal" for myself, and with there being so many interesting infertility blogs out there that keep it funny and positive, I figured there would be no one really interested in mine. However, I have had many people reach out to me regarding my blog over the past few months and I realized that even the negative, sad & depressing posts help others in my situation realize they are not alone. Hopefully one day I get to a point where my blog isnt so sad, but in the meantime Ill continue to express my feelings in the way they come.

So check out the About Us section of the blog to see where we have been and where we are at today in our journey ~ http://achievingfertility.blogspot.com/p/about-us.html

Then head over to the Infertile Love Pinterest for information that I have used, found interesting, and that has been helpful in my search for answers and guidance ~ http://www.pinterest.com/infertilelove/

I also have a facebook created but I have not published it yet, and Im always open to questions, suggestions, and comments!

Baby Class?? Sure why not....

So I volunteered to go to a "Baby Fast" class...this is a class that my little sister signed up for that provides resources for young parents and supports them in finishing school. So my sister asked me to go with her to the "meeting" to be her support person and I agreed.....well this "meeting" was a group of young parents, their children and some young mothers still expecting, and the parents support team. As if seeing new born babies and pregnant girls everywhere wasnt overwhelming enough, the meeting started off with singing and dancing to nursery rhymes..........then we are broken into groups to discuss a new parent "situation", THEN we are all separated and taken into different rooms ~ moms in one room, dads in one room, and support groups in another. Little did i know this was a "therapy" session. We all went around the room and introduced ourselves and then the question "How did you find out about the baby?".....what i heard was....How did you find out that your 17 year old little sister that you raise through most of her teenage years was pregnant? Well.....that brought back soooo many emotions.... and memories....

My little sister came to live with me in 2008, the same year as my laproscopic surgery/ovary removal and the beginning of our quest to have children.  In 2009 when she began to be a full blown teenager, doing crazy teenage stuff and experimenting with everything, I became aware that it was possible that she may be or become sexually active. So through many conversations I made it VERY clear, that the worst thing she could do was come home pregnant.....and of course she probably thought I was just being the super overprotective sister but the real reason was I was not sure how I would handle such a situation....of course just thinking of my sister getting pregnant at such young age scare me, BUT what scared me more was I didnt know how I would react.....I was so scared that I would be too angry, too jealous, and have so much animosity towards her and the baby....I was so scare I wouldnt be able to control my anger and emotions and it would turn into a bad situation.  Just the thought that she could come home pregnant made me sick to my stomach....

And back my answer to the question in the baby class "therapy session" Well the day came that I got the phone call.......

Avoiding All Things Infertility

Since my layoff at the beginning of the year I have avoided all thing infertility. Trying not to think about anything because without a job and with health insurance there is no way we can proceed with anything....and I just dont want to acknowledge the fact that my husband is now on testosterone supplements and our only option at this point will be invitro using his frozen swimmers. Im overwhelmed with what it will cost of to try to have a child and realizing that we might spend all that money and it still not work. I should be grateful we still have options that might work, but part of me just wants to say screw it and give up.

Im going into my interviews and they always ask if I have any questions and I just want to be able to explain to them that I have a medical condition that might cause me to miss a day or two during the month, and that I plan to have children and since its not as easy for me as it is for others I might need time off during that process, and I want to ask if my desire to have children will be a problem for them. I have come this far and the last thing I want to have to do is face a road block when my employer is unhappy when these situations arise. But I dont ask these questions or explain the situation because I know, although illegal, disclosing this information will more than likely keep me from getting the job.

Every time I get to the point and say "I give up, and we will just be happy being aunt stacy and uncle greg", Greg decides he wants to remind me about how much he wants a little Greg or little Stacy running around....and I know that truly what I want to but sometimes I just feel like there is no fight left in me, sometimes I just feel like replying "we've decided not to have children anymore" when people ask me just so I dont feel obligated to explain. It just seems like the childless life would be so much easier....no more medical stuff....no needing to borrow money or get help from our parents to financially afford the fertility meds and appointments..no need for a loan for invitro so we dont risk owing all this money if it doesnt work...no need to fill out fertility grant applications that just cause me to relive the entire situation......and no more feeling alone while we battle this "disease" that no one understands.

I know avoidance isnt going to help anything but it seems like its my only option until we get insurance coverage and I have income coming in. It is kind of pointless to stress myself out over researching, thinking, and deciding anything about infertility while I am unemployed. Sometimes I wonder if this happened for a reason to stop all the madness that was consuming me so I could reflect on the situation...but I always come back to we really want children of our own and would do just about anything to make that happen. I have got to believe there is a light at the end of this tunnel and no matter how we get there, how much money we have to come up with, or how much stress we have to go through. Something good has to come out of all this.

Surviving 2013

I know, I know....I have been MIA for a little while....but Im still here...and still not pregnant......

We survived one of the toughest years of our lives. I am so happy to see 2013 behind us and I look forward to 2014 and plan to take this year head on. I haven't really thought of any "resolutions" but my plan is to "be happy".  2013 brought us so much uncertainty.....financial struggles....anxiety and depression.....marital stress...and loneliness. Last year we fought infertility mostly alone, only updating close friends and family with only the information we wanted them to know. But a lot we kept to ourselves, or should I say a lot I kept to myself.....

December was by far the worst of all the months in last year. I finished my last clomid attempts