Emotions of Infertility.....Anxiety

Fear, Pain, Anger, Anxiety, Hopelessness, Sadness, Failure, Loss, Guilt, Pessimism..........I could go on and on. I think this has been one of the craziest emotional roller coasters we have ever been on!!!

The worst part about it is how hard it is to talk to others or even each other about all these emotions so instead we tend to repress them and act like everything is okay in front of everyone when i really want to scream, cry, and throw stuff. When I think about talking to someone about it or  sharing this blog I begin to talk my way out of it because I know it's not possible for them to understand and I fear of hearing those reassuring comments, "relax", "it will happen", "my friend has that too and had a kid". I know its not their fault they dont understand but I guess I feel its better not to put them in the awkward situation to have to reassure me.....

~~~~~ANXIETY~~~~~~

" anxiety is a feeling of fear, worry, and uneasiness, usually generalized and unfocused as an overreaction to a situation that is only subjectively seen as menacing" Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety 

A day with the nieces.....

Exhausted....... is what sums up today. Had a busy day with both of my 2 year old nieces today :) Those two little girls mean the world to me and I could not imagine my life without them.   My heart melted when my oldest niece, Evelyn, grabbed my face to kiss my "boo boo" on my face, and when my youngest niece, Mikaila, reached up to her "Uncle Greg" to pick her (although i was a little jealous bc she didnt want to come to me all day haha). That unconditional love of a child is something that can not be replaced, luckily Greg and I have these two little girls that give us that even though we are are just Aunt Stacy & Uncle Greg. It is also great that my siblings allow us to be such a big part of their lives.

Being with them is almost bittersweet, I makes me thank a lot about what we are missing out on with not having kids yet and how badly we want children of our own. It is never hard or depressing to be around them. They have a way of making my day better even if they run me to death. Its when they leave or I take them home that makes me sad, I can't wait till the day that we can be a part of a child's life and experience all of the firsts, to get to cuddle every night before bed, to get to hear them words mommy and daddy....

At the same time, knowing I have these two amazing little girls in my life, along with several other munchkins that belong to close friends and family, helps me realize that regardless of what our future holds I still have the opportunity to love an be loved by some awesome kiddos and enjoy days like today!!!!

                        Evelyn Marleigh <3                  Mikaila Brooke <3

       "i figured out that i can't compete with Dora, she always wins their attention :)"

In need of a money tree.....

Feeling a little anxious today ~ the doctor has just called in Novarel & Repronex injections for Greg. The doctor has prepared us that insurance may not cover it and it quite expensive. I have called the insurance company and gotten the "if its for specific purposes and medically necessary" it will be covered under "teir 4" (the most expensive copay)....but of course until the prescription is processed and approved they cant make any promises and with our purpose being for fertility we always have the chance they do not approve it for his low testosterone. My history with prescriptions, pharmacies, and the insurance company tell me to be prepared for the worst so Im not expecting anything to be covered and when it is it will be a nice surprise even if it is the most expensive copay AT LEAST ITS COVERED......The price of these meds without insurance is more than our monthly income a month so fingers crossed its covered!!! So having a slight melt down that Im hoping is resolved with a good news call from the pharmacy. The financial aspect of infertility is very stressful. Greg and I are luckily to have amazing parents who do what ever they can to support us emotionally and financially through this difficult time, but for us it is still hard to ask for that help and support. I remember it taking me days to let his parents know what was going on when the doctors were recommending we prepare for IVF, I knew the first question would be how much do you need...ughhhh how do you say $20,000 give or take??? I dont know anyone that has that kind of money laying around and the last thing I want is for someone else to have to take out a loan for that.  Although we have had help with the expenses incurred so far (copays, gas for specialist 2 hrs away, prescriptions., MRI, etc) it is still stressful to know that it only gets more expensive as we proceed with new treatments and it is hard not to feel like a burden to others when we should be self sufficient adults!

A support system is a sanity and marriage saver......

Ran across this quote this morning.....funny that I know this is true but find it so hard to do. As a psychology major who once wanted to be a therapist you would think I would find this easy to do - share our story, communicate with my loved ones........ which is what the purpose of this blog is! Sure I update my loved ones and a few select others about the procedures, test results, doctors recommendations.....but I never discuss my feelings, my fears, my hopes....and I still have not found the strength to share this blog - Im still not 100% sure i want my family reading this bc I worry that they will worry about me and thats the last thing I want them to do....

Most importantly, I have realized that I find it hard to communicate with my husband about it....we have spoke very little about the what ifs or the what now, just kinda going with the flow and hoping for the best. We both are typically very "blunt" and out spoken, but at the same time we both try very hard to keep each other happy and feelings safe from harm (if that makes sense) so i think this is where the communication issues comes in.....I intend to get my husbands permission before i post this blog publicly to our friends and family with our information on it but i cant even find the strength to show him the blog in fear that it will upset him. We left an appointment on Wednesday after my husbands MRI results where we were still left with no answers and we hardly spoke a word to each other.... I know I cant begin to imagine what is going through his head and I want so bad to reassure him that everything is okay but then I feel like I will be that person that says to me "everything is gonna be fine, everything happens for a reason" and I think "easy for you to say". Just as Im at a loss as to what to say to him I know that he isnt really sure what to say to me. I hate that he is bearing the burden of him having the problem that is keeping us from having biological children (although we know that I still have my own issues that may have the same result), and I know that having biological children means alot to him.....

I think the worst part is that we dont know why! MRI shows his pituitary gland looks good, there is no indication of blockages, but his T levels remain low and he has a non existent sperm count. With me we know what my issues are, we know i have Endometriosis and Ovarian Cysts...we know that my follicles do not want to produce an egg..so its a little easier to understand and to cope with.  We have all kinds of possible answers but nothing definite, nothing we know how to fix....

After two months of high dose clomid with no results, we have one last treatment plan that consist of Nolvarel & Repronex. If this doesnt work or we are not able to afford the treatment (as its not covered by our insurance) we are at a dead end, and we will need to start Greg on Testosterone Replacement Therapy to get him back to feeling normal. Unfortunately once he begins that we will need to begin considering other options such as adoption and communication between Greg and I will be more important than ever and the support from our friends and family is gonna be crucial through the process.

I am so grateful for those that take a second to listen to me and let me "vent" or talk myself through the process....it is what gets me through the day. Now to work on being able to do that with my husband so we can get through our battle together and do what is best for us!

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SIDE NOTE ~ if you know someone battling infertility I found this great article about what to say and not to say to a couple trying to conceive, its so easy to try to console your friend and understand we know you mean well but it may actually do more harm than good...this is a huge reason i have decided to limit what I talk about to others and limit who i talk too....  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/the-mommy-docs/5-things-to-never-say-to-a-friend-trying-to-conceive_b_3443976.html

First blog ever!

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In the past year or so I have found so much solace in following others in their infertility journeys in blogs, on Facebook and websites. I have envied each and every person that have been brave enough to put their struggles out there for the world to see. Although I keep those closest to me updated regularly on doctor's appointments and test results and I have a select few that I communicate with who are going through similar situation, I have never really opened up to anyone on my feelings about the infertility because I didnt want anyone to worry nor did I want to solicit any advice from people who had no clue about what we were going through.  About three months ago I began writing everything down....our story...our progress...our struggles....my worries.....hoping it would release me from some of the heartache, stress and worry. But it didnt....

That's where this blog comes in. First of all it is kind of my way in letting it all out in an attempt to release some of my thoughts and feelings to get them off my chest and allow others to better understand infertility, and understand how we as a couple are coping with it.  Secondly, Im hoping that getting this all out there will help someone else. Infertility is so overwhelming and its something that no one understands unless you have been through it!! I hate going to the doctors office being lost about what they were trying to explain to me and even more so I hated leaving and then thinking of 1000 questions I should have asked. So far I have come across so many awesome sources of information and I hope that sharing it with others that are fighting this same battle will help them in some way. Lastly, I'm hoping that this blog opens me up to new knowledge as people share more information and their stories with us!  ~Stacy <3

Blog coming soon ~ a little anxious but hopeful that sharing our story and everything we have learned so far with others will help us in our journey to have a family of our own!  Check back soon, Stacy :)   7/18/2013