Two Week Wait..

March 25th ~ Well today begins the first full day of my two week wait....this has already been the longest day of my life and 13.more days to go. The bloating from the hcg shot is miserable. I just have to keep thinking that it is my body doing what it's supposed to. But geez, Im miserable getting up to go to the bathroom, not to mention this bed in the hotel is like 3 feet off the ground so I have to jump down. We do have a jacuzzi tub in the room so I look forward to relaxing in that a little later. Tried to go shopping but the bloating was just to much. We had lunch at cheesecake factory....I managed to leave with no cheesecake BUT as soon as I got back to the hotel I was craving it, so I made it know that that's what was for dessert! It's really nice just lounging in our hotel room, napping, and watching movies. It's very rare that Greg and I get a chance to lounge around and do nothing all day.

April 4th....I have been very hopeful throughout this process, however today is different. I woke up with a feeling that I was not pregnant. My body feels normal...the bloating and cramping have gone away, almost like the calm before the storm. My anxiety about the cramping has already started. I really hope I'm wrong. I mean I've never been pregnant before so what do I know......

April 6th ~ I broke down and took a at home test, it was negative. I know it takes longer to hit your urine than your bloodstream, but it really just confirmed what I already knew. I dont want to say anything to anyone because I do not want them to say things to try to convince me otherwise. Went to pick  up a crib from a friend tonight and it took everything in me to not break down. I got a bit "snippy" with Greg and I know he didnt understand what was wrong with me because I didnt want to tell him either. 

April 8th...8am: today is the day. I sit here in the lab waiting to have my blood drawn and every piece of my heart is already breaking telling me I'm not pregnant. My brain says its still possible...possible you don't know your body as well as you think you do...possible pregnancy pains are very similar to menstrual cycle pains...possible all the doubt and negativiy in my head is just the hormones...possible I'm wrong! Today is also the 15th anniversary of my father's passing, the last thing I wanted is for this to be the anniversary of my first failed IUI cycle. I need a happy memory for today.

1:15pm: still no word....my anxiety is through the roof and my heart is racing...I'm trying my best to focus on work, actually thank god that I am working bc otherwise I would really be driving myself insane...every one is already asking, texting, and messaging about the results, I know they mean well but it makes me more anxious because now if I'm not pregnant I have to tell them all.....

4:00 left work, just called the office and the recording says it's closed??? They are typically open till 5:00pm.I can not go overnight not knowing...this is gonna kill me....

4:45 decided to check my online portal...and the results are in....not pregnant...on my way home now to just lay in bed and cry till my husband gets home....or so I thought. My dear friend Paige is leaving me this weekend to move to California. She stopped by to drop some stuff off and we decided to go get dinner. As much as i want to crawl up into a ball, Im gonna miss her and her little one, so I decided to suck it up and occupy my mind while I wait for Greg to get home. 

April Fools ~ The fake pregnancy announcement.

I posted the below post on my Facebook yesterday. It got lots of shares, likes, and comments. I also received several personal messages from my facebook friends of encouragement and support, as well as a couple that felt compelled to share their "infertility" story with me. It feels great to know that I have so many that show compassion and empathy know that I am going through something they could never understand. As someone that has recently gone through an IUI (stay tuned for my IUI journal to be posted :) ) and could potentially be pregnant as I type it saddens me to look at other posts and see so many that do not understand and refuse to understand. I imagined what would happen if I posted a "april fools" joke today saying I was pregnant......and I imagined how hurt and devastated it would make so many of my friends and family when i revealed it was a joke. So its not just us "infertiles" that are hurt by this joke. Since Im not the type to engage publicly I decided to "vent" on my blog.

So here is my response to the post I recently read where several made comments like "get over yourselfs" "i dont care, post away" "its just a joke". Everyone is entitled to their opinion...here is mine:

Its sad to see that some don't realize the person they could be hurting but joking about it could be a close relative or friend. Luckily I have an awesome support group of friend and family that know although I dont often talk about the years of fertility treatments, the thousands and thousands of dollars spent, the pills, the injections, headaches, body aches, hormonal breakdowns, the emotional and physical roller coaster that I have been through (and still no baby), something like this is no joking matter. It is bad enough that we have to watch everyone around us have babies, and although we are genuinely happy for them, no one understands its not everyone else that makes us sad, its the disappointment in our own body, our own personal inability to conceive, our own hopes and dreams that have been crushed, that causes us pain. In the last couple years I have planned 4 baby showers, celebrated in births of so many babies, congratulated many REAL facebook pregnancy announcements, and I have vowed to never let my personal journey of infertility ever make me a bitter sour person or interfere with the way I treat those around me because I understand they could not possibly understand how I feel. I do not expect or want people to tiptoe around me and I will not go hide in the closet from the April fools days post or cry everytime I see one, nor will I have to because those that I choose to be friends with on have enough respect for me and those around them to realize what is funny and what isnt.........trying to fool the world on facebook as a Joke....not funny. You wouldn't joke about having or surviving cancer....aids...having a miscarriage or still born??,,,,,well infertility/miscarriage/infant death are medical diseases that affects more people than you know. Some want to compare it to posting picture of your dog/mom and hurting those that have lost a dog....would you joke about your dog/mom dying today?? We all handle things in our own ways, I just hope before you go and try to pull one of the most common April Fools pranks you are 100% certain the person(s) you are trying to fool wont be hurt by it. Besides, there are so many other "jokes", "pranks" and ways to fool people, be creative people.

My 1st IUI Cycle

Day 1 ~ Aunt Flo finally decide to arrive....I have never been so happy to see her, did a little happy dance in the bathroom. When I exited the bathroom coworker met me at the door and we did another little happy dance in the bathroom (poor guys in our office have no clue). I emailed my RE immediately to get my flow sheet set up (that is my schedule of meds, ultrasound and bloodwork). I was kinda hesitant to call Greg because I had been a bit moody the night before and I swore it was him and I knew the first thing he was gonna say was "told ya you were moody last night" lol.....Baseline ultrasound was schedule and flow sheet was set up.

This is my flow sheet ~ the pills were letrozole(Femara) ~ FSH shot was Follistim ~ and trigger shot was Ovidrel. Ultrasounds were schedule for day 2 and day 11. Looks like the procedure may be the 24th or 25th!!!

Day 2 ~ Had the baseline ultrasound this morning......well that was a miserable experience.....I was crampy. moody, and an ultrasound was the last thing I wanted. Poor ultrasound tech kept wanting to talk to me and I was just not in the mood to be social. I really wish my orders would have mentioned I didnt have a left ovary because that could have saved me alot of time and pain while the tech moved by "bowels" around looking for it before she asked if I had one.  Its bad enough I have the cramps but add all the poking and prodding..ugh...so glad that is over with!! The tech said all looked great, I had 8 follicles hanging out in there. Doctor emailed me instructions giving me the go to start the meds tonight. One the way into work, I brought donuts for everyeone...just a "please forgive me for the next two weeks or so" lol, just incase I get a little angry at times.

Day 3 ~ HOLY CRAMPS..........I did not miss these guys. Thank goodness I can still take normal meds this week. I think Im just gonna lay in bed all weekend.....oh wait gonna have to suck it up because its my little sisters birthday party tonight and we have a friend coming in town. I better double up on those meds today.

Day 5 ~ So Im trying to kick the diet sundrop/caffeine habit. I've limited myself to one per day, I bought my last 6 pack yesterday and vowed that after Im done with this I will not buy another sundrop.......this is gonna suck!!!! Ive limited myself to half a cup of coffee and have purchased decaf.  It looks like since I had my baseline ultrasound the doctor is skipping my day ultrasound so I wait till day 11 to figure out if my follicles are cooperating or not.

Day 9 ~ Kinds feel like Greg was a little to excited to give me my injections tonight....he definitely enjoyed it way to much!!! But honestly it wasnt bad at all I barely felt it! Anxious to know if this is working. I personally have been pretty limited in who I have told about having the IUI. Well my mom and Greg on the other hand..........I do understand its a bit different for them and that they dont fully understand why Im not super excited and telling the world. A small piece of me is saying this is going to work because it has to....and the rest of me is saying I need to stay realistic and realize the the success rate is not as high as Id like it to be and that there are some very strong reason why this isnt going to work. I have questioned my decision to do the IUI because although it was my frugal mind telling me to try the "less expensive" route, that same frugal mind it telling me I might have just wasted all that money......reality is there is nothing frugal about infertility..... but I got to stay positive because the last thing I want to do is tell everyone "we are not pregnant". I havent stopped them from telling everyone because I kind of feel like I might jinx myselft, kinda hoping that my body could not possibly let this many people down....I just dont wanna be the one to tell them....

DAY 11 ~  Ultrasound this morning!!!! Lots of growing follicles!!! I take my trigger shot tonight and my IUI is scheduled and we will be headed to Raleigh tomorrow afternoon!!!!!! Found myself searching pinterest earlier looking at nursery colors.....trying not to get to far ahead of myself but it is so hard not to think this has to work.

DAY 12 ~ We are headed to Raleigh. Been super bloated and kinda miserable since about 4pm. Guess that trigger shot is no joke and all these follicles are in turbo mode. Looking forward to also "getting away" for a couple days...just Greg and I. We have always enjoyed road trips, I know its not far but this is a special occasion and it will be nice for just the two of us to spend a little extra quality time together.

IUI DAY!!!!!!!!!!! So I did not read in the small print anywhere about the bloating and abdominal discomfort. I couldnt try to button a pair of pants right now if I tried and did not sleep well because I typically sleep on my stomach. I really hope this doesnt last long. Of course add all that to my anxiety of today, I am an emotional mess. While Im very hopeful that this works Im so scared it wont and all this time, money, discomfort will be for nothing. Im sure all these hormones have nothing to do with the fact I just wanna crawl in a corner and cry.....time to head to the RE office.

Sitting in the lobby waiting.....Greg is beside me SNORING....haha....we havent even been sitting here that long. Hopefully he doesnt snore to loud while Im having the procedure, because I wont be here to wake him up.

 

Procedure done!!! It was pretty short and simple. It was pretty cool when they showed me when the little swimmers were released (it was just a big blog of white). Now Im getting super crampy and just wanna go home and sleep. My phone is blowing up with well wishes, update requests, and just simple I love yous. Reminds me how loved we are but also reminds me of all those I do not want to let down. I know they will love me regardless but I know there are so many that want this just as much as we do. So now we have started our TWO WEEK WAIT... these next 14 days are going to be torture. I will try my best to keep my mind occupied and off of all things infertility. Gonna try to stay positive.

Dear Aunt Flo....

Your decision to delay your visit is not exactly assisting with my desire to start a family and is wearing on my patience. You usually arrive within 5-7 days, its been 12!!!

 It seems the one time that I anxiously anticipate your arrival you decide to take your sweet time. Typically you arrive right like clockwork. I apologize I have suppressed your visits for the last year, but I could not endure the pain and heartache you caused me every month. However, this time I get excited every time I think I feel my ovaries move or the slightest cramp. Unfortunately, that usually just turns out to be hunger or gas pains. This extra time is making my mind go 100 miles per hour, giving me time to rethink if I really want to go through this and risk more possible heart ache, risk having multiples, or risk financial hardships that I may not be ready for. The delay in your arrival also makes me wonder if there is something wrong. I have track your visits for the last 5 years and you have always been way more predictable.This time I welcome the cramps, bloating, and moodiness because I know it takes us one step closer to our ultimate goal of starting a family. So if you could expedite you arrival that would be great.

Sincerely
Me

P.S. Feel free to leave all of those horrible side effects at home.

Ready...Set....IUI

So I'm set.....but ready, that's another story. My fear of my body failing me has been very hard to ignore, I want this so bad and not sure I can handle failure. I get so excited one moment, but it is quickly taken over by fear. Fear of letting Greg down, our parents....Fear of finding out after these procedures that my body wont cooperate and I'll never carry a baby.  I question every thing in my life trying to find a reason not to do it so I can avoid a negative test. I've convinced myself at least once a day that we shouldn't do this....

But then I realize that I want this more than anything in the world and I won't know till I try. We have the most amazing family and friends that I know will pick us back up if this does not go the way we hope. I suffered probably the biggest heartbreak of my life last year losing my dog of 14 years, and I survived. It sucked and my heart was shattered but I am doing okay today.

So we move forward, I stopped my birth control on Friday so my Day 1 should arrive in the next couple of days and then the medications and countdown begins. I'm sure this will be the longest month of my life!!!! Stay tuned as I plan to document the next 30 or so days....and for those following that are in my everyday life - Thank you for your patience and understanding... I haven't been sharing every thing going on with a lot of people mainly because I do not want to have to tell everyone we tried..but it didn't work. So prayers and thoughts are appreciated during the next month and hopefully we will have some good news to follow.

The next chapter begins....

Since our appointment on the 14th, I have researched and gathered information, talked to doctor offices, insurance companies, prescription savings programs and pharmacies, trying to save as much as possible for our IUI attempt. I have added my short term disability and hospital confinement supplemental insurance policies that will assist me when we have a baby, and considered a Flexible Spending Account to take advantage of tax free money to help pay for medical stuff. My spreadsheet is made and the grand total including travel and hotel to and from Raleigh is $3700.00. Funding has been secured for the process, and our fingers are crossed.

We havent yet decided when we will begin the cycle so Greg and I will sit down this weekend and figure out at date. We will also work on our finances and budgets so we can begin to save some money to be prepared for starting our family.

You would think this process would be exciting, and at times it is. But I can not control my mind from thinking of all the what ifs. What if it doesnt work, what if it works, what if I miscarry, what if I have twins.........    And now a whole new to do list has started in my mind....including stopping drinking diet sundrop....YIKES!!! now that is stressful!!!!

So for those of you who follow or check in occasionally, be prepared to see the good the bad and the ugly of an IUI cycle......Im sure that I am gonna need to do a lot of venting, ranting, and crying in the next few weeks. Prayers and thoughts are much appreciated <3

Dear 2015, please be nice.....

Another year has come and gone. I am so glad 2014 is gone, it was by far the worst year of my life.
Our plans to proceed with IUI/IVF were halted when I was laid off in January, followed by a series of other unplanned obstacles and heartache throughout the year. So Ive been excited and anxious to get started again and I have everything lined up to revive our plans to have a baby, except money. Today was my first appointment since last January with my RE. The appointment was a consultation to discuss our options. My heart is so ready to start a family but my brain tells me Im insane for even thinking its a possibility. I go into the appointment this morning thinking this is it, Im going to do what ever i need to so we cant start this process. I leave thinking this is crazy for even making the appointment, we cant afford this, and every other reason or negative thought has gone through my mind.....


I think its so unfair that I have to pay so much for something that others pay nothing for....I wonder why this is happening to us. All I want is a definite answer, to know if it is even possible for me to get pregnant, are we wasting our money doing something that isn't gonna work? I don;t know how to talk to anyone really about it. I know that there are those that are eager to help us but its so hard to communicate about it and ask for help. I always feel so alone in this, I feel like no realizes how hard it really is. I have an awesome support system of friends and family, so I dont understand why its so hard. I was excited about the appointment today so I actually told a few people I wouldn't normally tell so now I dread their questions and request for updates. I really need to figure out how to open up to others about it besides just putting on a strong happy front to appease them and make them think I'm okay.

I wish I could just say never mind I do not want kids, we are happy the way we are. But even Greg feels something is missing and we both long to feel that void. It just seems so easy to turn around and walk away from it. I don't know what will hurt worse.

The plan is to start and IUI cycle tomorrow.....but I really dont know what I am gonna do. I can not bring my self to ask for help with it due to the amount of money it is gonna take for a "possible" pregnancy. I can not communicate with those I love, including my husband, as I face one of the most important decisions of my life. I do not know if I can handle another day of this infertility struggle. There is so much I need to be doing: pricing medications, filling out grant applications, and lining up funding but the thought of picking up the phone or researching the internet makes me sick to my stomach......and feel so incredibly alone.