Avoiding All Things Infertility

Since my layoff at the beginning of the year I have avoided all thing infertility. Trying not to think about anything because without a job and with health insurance there is no way we can proceed with anything....and I just dont want to acknowledge the fact that my husband is now on testosterone supplements and our only option at this point will be invitro using his frozen swimmers. Im overwhelmed with what it will cost of to try to have a child and realizing that we might spend all that money and it still not work. I should be grateful we still have options that might work, but part of me just wants to say screw it and give up.

Im going into my interviews and they always ask if I have any questions and I just want to be able to explain to them that I have a medical condition that might cause me to miss a day or two during the month, and that I plan to have children and since its not as easy for me as it is for others I might need time off during that process, and I want to ask if my desire to have children will be a problem for them. I have come this far and the last thing I want to have to do is face a road block when my employer is unhappy when these situations arise. But I dont ask these questions or explain the situation because I know, although illegal, disclosing this information will more than likely keep me from getting the job.

Every time I get to the point and say "I give up, and we will just be happy being aunt stacy and uncle greg", Greg decides he wants to remind me about how much he wants a little Greg or little Stacy running around....and I know that truly what I want to but sometimes I just feel like there is no fight left in me, sometimes I just feel like replying "we've decided not to have children anymore" when people ask me just so I dont feel obligated to explain. It just seems like the childless life would be so much easier....no more medical stuff....no needing to borrow money or get help from our parents to financially afford the fertility meds and appointments..no need for a loan for invitro so we dont risk owing all this money if it doesnt work...no need to fill out fertility grant applications that just cause me to relive the entire situation......and no more feeling alone while we battle this "disease" that no one understands.

I know avoidance isnt going to help anything but it seems like its my only option until we get insurance coverage and I have income coming in. It is kind of pointless to stress myself out over researching, thinking, and deciding anything about infertility while I am unemployed. Sometimes I wonder if this happened for a reason to stop all the madness that was consuming me so I could reflect on the situation...but I always come back to we really want children of our own and would do just about anything to make that happen. I have got to believe there is a light at the end of this tunnel and no matter how we get there, how much money we have to come up with, or how much stress we have to go through. Something good has to come out of all this.

Emotions of Infertility.....Loss

Many of the feelings of loss are still "what ifs" and are fueled by anxiety.  Its so easy for someone on the outside to say, "you still have options"..."this worked for this person"..."but you can still adopt"...... They dont think about what a couple is going through internally when faced with the reality and having to make decisions about where to go from here. Whether it is deciding what to try next or having to deal with the reality of a treatment not working the one thing in the back of our minds is "what if we cant".

The first feelings of loss you feel is the feeling of self esteem & self worth ~ am I not good enough to have children...what did we do wrong...I cant give my husband/wife a child. In our case we both have our issues so we will always both have the worry or guilt of not being able to provide each other or our families with a child if we are unable to do so. I have found myself questioning every aspect of my life, wondering if there was anything we should have done, questioning my desire to have children, and even our ability to financially support a child. I was always 100% sure that I wanted children and to find myself questioning it now. I watch everyday as Greg becomes more and more unhappy with himself and blames himself. I try so hard to keep his spirits high and reassure him that it will all be okay but its so hard when sometimes I dont even believe it.

Emotions of Infertility.....Anxiety

Fear, Pain, Anger, Anxiety, Hopelessness, Sadness, Failure, Loss, Guilt, Pessimism..........I could go on and on. I think this has been one of the craziest emotional roller coasters we have ever been on!!!

The worst part about it is how hard it is to talk to others or even each other about all these emotions so instead we tend to repress them and act like everything is okay in front of everyone when i really want to scream, cry, and throw stuff. When I think about talking to someone about it or  sharing this blog I begin to talk my way out of it because I know it's not possible for them to understand and I fear of hearing those reassuring comments, "relax", "it will happen", "my friend has that too and had a kid". I know its not their fault they dont understand but I guess I feel its better not to put them in the awkward situation to have to reassure me.....

~~~~~ANXIETY~~~~~~

" anxiety is a feeling of fear, worry, and uneasiness, usually generalized and unfocused as an overreaction to a situation that is only subjectively seen as menacing" Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety