10 Things I want people to know about our infertility journey....

So i have been thinking a lot about what I would say if I was given a microphone and one hour to explain to a group of people about our infertility journey. At first I was thinking about what I would tell our friends and family if given the chance but that quickly turned into a list of stuff I would avoid mentioning........So here it goes

10 things I want people to know about me and infertility

1)  This journey makes me feel bi-polar. The emotional roller coaster has been ridiculous, one day Im hopeful, optimistic, excited and the next im depressed, sad, negative, and mentally drained. One day I can enjoy talking about everything and sharing our story and the next I want to slap anybody that asks about it. So I hope that if someone catches me on that bad day they dont take it personal and realize that although we just had a pleasant talk about everything an hour ago doesnt mean I want to talk about it now and please dont misunderstand my emotions and reactions. Im trying to get through these hard times and not inconvenience everyone around me. Please understand if "I just dont feel like" doing things. Usually Ill make some excuse like i have to clean the house or something....and its really nothing personal I just mentally need to be alone.

2) Every time I take a pregnancy test I feel like Im gonna puke while waiting for the results, and every time its negative my heart is broken as if I have lost a part of me. Its the exact same feeling I have felt when I have lost a loved one, except for it happens every single month......the grief is real, and it makes "starting over" and trying again every month very hard. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just give up on our dream of having kids. I have never done a pregnancy test when anyone (including Greg) is around. I never want anyone to be around to see that, and its something I feel like is better delt with alone because no one could possibly understand it.

3) Sex.....sure everyone loves sex..
its suppose to be an intimate part of every relationship, but try having to "schedule it" every month for a year.......try having a calendar hanging in your room just to mark you cycle with days you can and cant have sex. Its definitely a mood killer. Not to mention side effects from all the meds that decrease your sex drive........daily pain and inflammation caused by my endometriosis.

4) Everyone talks about adoption, egg/sperm donors, surrogacy like its an easy decision. To make the decision not to have a biological child is not easy, and it is something that I can not even fathom thinking about seriously until we have exhausted all other options. Same thing with surrogacy, Im sure there are many women who would love to skip that step, but for me to give up that experience is not an option I want to consider right now. Maybe after I go through it once I might change my mind, but until then it is not something I want to watch someone else do for me.

5) Its really hard to talk about all of the "real issues" and how I really feel. Sure I can easily discuss going to the doctor, general stuff, but to really truly tell anyone how I am really feeling is hard and I rarely do it. This goes for anyone even my own husband, maybe even more so him because he is the one person I can tell or talk about anything him (except for maybe my frozen yogurt binges) So this put a huge strain on our relationship, because instead of letting him comfort me when I need him I hold it all in and it usually comes out in the wrong way making us both feel worse. So this is one thing I have working really hard on, I need to be able to figure out how to let those that love me and want to help me understand how to do that.
     

6) I have always adored children, and Im sure that I always will. But sometimes its hard.......hard to attend baby showers, birthday parties, holidays. I always makes sure I put on my happy face so that these kids do not see my pain. I try extra hard to make sure I am active in my nieces lives because I do not ever want them to think that they make me sad. But in reality watching any parent enjoy their children reminds me of what I'm missing out on, and makes me jealous that we don't get to experience. With that said I'm am very greatful and lucky to have friends and family that allow us to be a huge part of their children's lives..... Although it's hard sometimes I would not give up time with them for the world. I often fear that my infertility will make me so angry and bitter i no longer enjoy being around children.....but all the awesome kiddos in my life constantly remind me that no amount of pain and jealousy could come between my love for them...I just hope it's always that way...

7) Infertility refers to an inability to conceive after having regular unprotected sex, it is a disease like any other disease that results in lots of prescriptions, doctors visits. The lucky ones find the underlying medical cause for infertility, but so many do not. It is physically and mentally draining on so many levels. I wish more people would recognize it medically and if they have a loved one that suffers from it then take the time to learn a little about what is going on with their loved one.

8) I have suffered from Endometriosis since a young age - I was made to feel like I was crazy because I could not handle what everyone said was "normal cramps". I knew at a very young age that it was not normal and my heart always told me that having children would not come easy for me. Still to this day no one understands why I become incapacitated one or two days a month because I am in pain. But what people do not know is that I am in pain everyday, I feel all of my organs in my abdomen daily. Every time I have to use the restroom I feel bloated and uncomfortable, every time I work out I feel pain and discomfort in my abdomen, sex is painful (imagine that when you are trying to conceive)...... The scar tissue and cysts from my endometriosis have taken over my body. I literally have "spider webs" of scar tissue that has wrapped it self all around my abdomen and organs. The mental aspect of having to explain to people what is going on and realizing they do not see it as a big deal or they dont understand is draining as well.

9) Telling me to "relax" and "it will happen when you quit trying" drives me absolutely insane!!! First of all we are no longer able to conceive the conventional way (aka sex) and it is hard to relax when we are looking at spending a bunch of money on something that may not work. I appreciate your concern, and know that you mean well but please think about what you say before you say it.... sometimes a "im sorry about what you are going through" or "let me know what I can do to help you" or even better and invite out to coffee or dinner to discuss anything but the infertility!! Sometimes I am fine with discussing it and explaining what is going on and I will open that conversation if its something i want to talk about. PLEASE dont get me wrong, I do not mind being questioned about how things are going but PLEASE understand if I do not want to talk with it, or Im short with you about it. I have heard all kinds of advise, and stories of how everyone else did it, and trust me we have tried it all, different positions, MANY medications, vitamins, herbal teas, exercise...the list goes on and on!! So I appreciate you trying to help but sometimes a simple hug or coffee date will suffice.

10) Infertility is Expensive!!! Insurance covers very little if any, insurance limits apply on the little that is covered, and the stuff that isnt covered is very costly. With the help of our parents we have already spent a little over $9,000 in just diagnosing and treating our infertility. Now we are left with the last resort of IVF (invitro-fertilization) We are looking at a minimum of $15,000 for one try!!!! If that try does not work then we have to start all over again..... Although the end result will be 100% worth it, I cant imagine getting a negative test result after that.......