I have definitely noticed a pattern in me and this blog. It seems the better I am doing the more I write, and the past 2 months have been the hardest months in coping with infertility...... however today I write because I need to get this all out of my mind, even if it makes me feel a little better temporarily...which
Kid's birthdays, baby showers, pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, school graduations (pre k, kindergarten, and high school), college bound teenagers ARE EVERYWHERE....not to mention movies about babies or even those that touch on infertility but fails to show the real heartache and struggle it includes... and I sit here and wonder if it will ever be us..... or are we just meant to live vicariously through everyone else and settle for enjoying everyone else's kids. I can't imagine that is god's plan for us, I just don't believe that this is the path we are meant to take. I try to talk myself into the benefits of a "child free" life, or adoption but it makes me nauseous to think that is our only option, so for not I have decided to keep those thoughts out of my mind, because that is not an option for my heart.
We haven't exhausted all of our options yet but the options and decisions we have left to make scare the hell out of me. First of all we have to wait till
we have better medical coverage, especially since we learned our "obamacare" plan doesnt cover our specialists and primary care doctors. Then we have to figure out where the money will come from.....do we just keep applying for grants until we get approved??? do we throw fundraiser and make people pity us and donate to our cause, do we ask for help from our parents.....only to risk having to tell them "thanks for the $15,000 but we are sorry it didnt work".
I am so overwhelmed with it all it just seems so much easier to just give up, and not have to make any of these decisions anymore, to not have to worry about it all. I feel so isolated, like im in my own little world because not one person can convince me they understand, not one person i know can even begin to console me with their empathy because I dont believe no one understands. First they dont understand or recognize my medical condition that I have delt with since I was a teenager, they dont understand the pain and agony that I go through daily. Sure they recognize my "monthly" pain that last a few days and is gone, but they dont see the everyday pain and discomfort, my inability to enjoy the things that all couples should enjoy, they can not begin to understand the mental battles i fight everyday just to be able to enjoy myself at family gatherings, or while visiting the "new additions". Its not jealousy, its not animosity...its just outright heart break....its longing for that experience, that unconditional love, and fantasizing about what our family will be like, but the same time realizing that we are not even sure that is a possibility for us.
I am blessed to have an awesome husband, an amazing friends and family. But its so hard to talk about it, they dont know what to say and they dont understand the things they do say are upsetting me. They mean well so I stay strong and joke and laugh it off. They will never understand how hard it is to continually hear "it will happen when you start trying, you can always adopt, try this....." We have been there done that, and we are not ready to entertain adoption, and at this point there is a 0% chance it will happen if we arent trying bc conventional ways of conceiving are no longer an option for us.
If you made it this far into this post then you are probably well aware that today isnt the best of days for me. I have had alot on my mind and have realized several things (most of which I already knew)
#1 ~ I need to communicate more with my husband about this - although we have been through this journey together I only reveal about 50% of my feelings, thoughts, and bad days. I expect him to be there for me but I fail to let him know exactly what i need. I fear that my feelings will hurt him or make him feel inadequate, but hiding it from him only makes my stress levels higher and at the same time isolates me from everything, he is the one person I should be leaning on through this. I married him because he was my best friend, so its time i let him be that.
#2 ~ Ive got to find a way to let those closest to me know how im feeling, and what is going on with us. As well as explain to them what we need from them. I know I have this blog but I still worry that if i was to make it public i wouldnt be able to use it for my "therapy", that I would be more careful of what I post because they are reading it. Again im shielding everyone else from the pain that I want them to understand, but I cant quite figure out where to draw that line.....or do I just make it an open book???
Well I think I have done just about enough thinking for today......I need wine....
I, personally, think that at some point you should share this with your family. First, you should be well oiled on making sure this stays a safe place to express true emotion; no matter who comes here, for whatever reason, they should be prepared to take in everything they read without taking personally and give you whatever they can in return, with your full understanding. You can never give up your outlet, but you can share it and let it grow.
ReplyDeleteComing from family, I can tell you right now there is no way your friends and family will ever understand what you experience, but I can promise you that right now, they are not as informed as they could be… not even as much as one post of this page could inform them.
And you too are not as informed, because right now there is no real safe place for them to tell you their emotions, their thoughts, and feelings about your struggles. True, without experiencing it, you cannot understand. I know one rule about infertility is that you don’t compare your infertility to others. I won’t do that. But it is no secret that before conceiving my dr. gave me a Dx that decrease the ability to conceive. And it scared the shit out of me. Every day I had this empty feeling at the pit of my stomach; I felt like I was always about to throw up. I think about if I had to feel that now, whether I still wanted children or not, how much stronger that pit would be. And then I still don’t compare that to you, but use it as a baseline for how I should approach any situation we take on together involving this topic. I’m always cautious to only discuss or make any type of joking reference to children at a time when you are doing so because I can imagine that if you are dishing it, you want to hear it, and when you are steering clear from the topic, it’s the last thing you want to hear.
And then there are still the birthdays, baby showers, holidays, etc. I wonder sometimes if I think the way I do because I have felt some type of pit, but I have to believe the humanity in others brings them to the same place I often go when attending these events. When you are happy, smiling, while so selflessly attending to my baby, all I can do is picture the little one(s) you would have running around the party, needing your attention and assistance (or mine). I’ve mentally planned and re-planned your baby-shower(s), assisted in decorating (and yes, even un-decorating) your nurseries. I’ve researched egg donation, realistically weighed options with my husband, consider ways to discuss it with you if needed and how I would approach it if it weren’t for me. And of course, I’ve pictured taking your maternity and newborn photos or even being your (and Greg’s lol) birth support ;D I’ve tried to envision every scenario we could possibly find ourselves in together so that I’m a little more mentally prepared for them when they may come.
I debated on telling you that I did (or how I did for that matter) stumble upon this blog. But, I don’t have a place or a right time to tell you these things. I don’t know which ones you’ll want to hear and what will make you think I’m crazy for telling you. After seeing this post, I thought, duh! I'll tell her here, and leave it to you to continue to keep it as private as you'd like.
And… I’ve only been your sister for five years; imagine how much more your family may have to say.
Love you.
I doesnt surprise me or bother me at all that you found the blog - Ive actually made reference to it when talking to people, on facebook, pinterest and other places know that some people may search it out or see what I was talking about :) I get mentally ready to share it sometimes then I just back out at the last minute because the anxiety just kills me for some reason......but I am closer to sharing than I was a year ago so thats a little progress..... I just feel like right now the blog is all about me "venting" and too much "unknown" and I dont want people to see all the negative, or worry about me, but I know its all a part of "our" journey and in order to have the support we need everyone we love needs to have a better understanding of it.........so one day............or year....... LOL.......... Thanks for the kind words, and Ill screen shot this so when if we get to the egg donation phase Ill know who to call :) :) AND MOST IMPORTANTLY THANK YOU for allowing me to be such a big part of you baby's life AND being such an amazing mother to her ~ she really can take a really bad day and make it 200% better when no one else can! Love you too <3
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