Updates, Pinterest & More

So I finally took a little time to update this blog and my pinterest ~ I have been using this blog a basically a "journal" for myself, and with there being so many interesting infertility blogs out there that keep it funny and positive, I figured there would be no one really interested in mine. However, I have had many people reach out to me regarding my blog over the past few months and I realized that even the negative, sad & depressing posts help others in my situation realize they are not alone. Hopefully one day I get to a point where my blog isnt so sad, but in the meantime Ill continue to express my feelings in the way they come.

So check out the About Us section of the blog to see where we have been and where we are at today in our journey ~ http://achievingfertility.blogspot.com/p/about-us.html

Then head over to the Infertile Love Pinterest for information that I have used, found interesting, and that has been helpful in my search for answers and guidance ~ http://www.pinterest.com/infertilelove/

I also have a facebook created but I have not published it yet, and Im always open to questions, suggestions, and comments!

Baby Class?? Sure why not....

So I volunteered to go to a "Baby Fast" class...this is a class that my little sister signed up for that provides resources for young parents and supports them in finishing school. So my sister asked me to go with her to the "meeting" to be her support person and I agreed.....well this "meeting" was a group of young parents, their children and some young mothers still expecting, and the parents support team. As if seeing new born babies and pregnant girls everywhere wasnt overwhelming enough, the meeting started off with singing and dancing to nursery rhymes..........then we are broken into groups to discuss a new parent "situation", THEN we are all separated and taken into different rooms ~ moms in one room, dads in one room, and support groups in another. Little did i know this was a "therapy" session. We all went around the room and introduced ourselves and then the question "How did you find out about the baby?".....what i heard was....How did you find out that your 17 year old little sister that you raise through most of her teenage years was pregnant? Well.....that brought back soooo many emotions.... and memories....

My little sister came to live with me in 2008, the same year as my laproscopic surgery/ovary removal and the beginning of our quest to have children.  In 2009 when she began to be a full blown teenager, doing crazy teenage stuff and experimenting with everything, I became aware that it was possible that she may be or become sexually active. So through many conversations I made it VERY clear, that the worst thing she could do was come home pregnant.....and of course she probably thought I was just being the super overprotective sister but the real reason was I was not sure how I would handle such a situation....of course just thinking of my sister getting pregnant at such young age scare me, BUT what scared me more was I didnt know how I would react.....I was so scared that I would be too angry, too jealous, and have so much animosity towards her and the baby....I was so scare I wouldnt be able to control my anger and emotions and it would turn into a bad situation.  Just the thought that she could come home pregnant made me sick to my stomach....

And back my answer to the question in the baby class "therapy session" Well the day came that I got the phone call.......

Avoiding All Things Infertility

Since my layoff at the beginning of the year I have avoided all thing infertility. Trying not to think about anything because without a job and with health insurance there is no way we can proceed with anything....and I just dont want to acknowledge the fact that my husband is now on testosterone supplements and our only option at this point will be invitro using his frozen swimmers. Im overwhelmed with what it will cost of to try to have a child and realizing that we might spend all that money and it still not work. I should be grateful we still have options that might work, but part of me just wants to say screw it and give up.

Im going into my interviews and they always ask if I have any questions and I just want to be able to explain to them that I have a medical condition that might cause me to miss a day or two during the month, and that I plan to have children and since its not as easy for me as it is for others I might need time off during that process, and I want to ask if my desire to have children will be a problem for them. I have come this far and the last thing I want to have to do is face a road block when my employer is unhappy when these situations arise. But I dont ask these questions or explain the situation because I know, although illegal, disclosing this information will more than likely keep me from getting the job.

Every time I get to the point and say "I give up, and we will just be happy being aunt stacy and uncle greg", Greg decides he wants to remind me about how much he wants a little Greg or little Stacy running around....and I know that truly what I want to but sometimes I just feel like there is no fight left in me, sometimes I just feel like replying "we've decided not to have children anymore" when people ask me just so I dont feel obligated to explain. It just seems like the childless life would be so much easier....no more medical stuff....no needing to borrow money or get help from our parents to financially afford the fertility meds and appointments..no need for a loan for invitro so we dont risk owing all this money if it doesnt work...no need to fill out fertility grant applications that just cause me to relive the entire situation......and no more feeling alone while we battle this "disease" that no one understands.

I know avoidance isnt going to help anything but it seems like its my only option until we get insurance coverage and I have income coming in. It is kind of pointless to stress myself out over researching, thinking, and deciding anything about infertility while I am unemployed. Sometimes I wonder if this happened for a reason to stop all the madness that was consuming me so I could reflect on the situation...but I always come back to we really want children of our own and would do just about anything to make that happen. I have got to believe there is a light at the end of this tunnel and no matter how we get there, how much money we have to come up with, or how much stress we have to go through. Something good has to come out of all this.

Surviving 2013

I know, I know....I have been MIA for a little while....but Im still here...and still not pregnant......

We survived one of the toughest years of our lives. I am so happy to see 2013 behind us and I look forward to 2014 and plan to take this year head on. I haven't really thought of any "resolutions" but my plan is to "be happy".  2013 brought us so much uncertainty.....financial struggles....anxiety and depression.....marital stress...and loneliness. Last year we fought infertility mostly alone, only updating close friends and family with only the information we wanted them to know. But a lot we kept to ourselves, or should I say a lot I kept to myself.....

December was by far the worst of all the months in last year. I finished my last clomid attempts

My Dog Ate My....

......ovulation stick!!!

So my estimated peak ovulation time was yesterday....after taking clomid last week I started using the ovulation predictor sticks on Monday, twice a day. I have yet to have a positive ovulation result but Im pretty sure that I ovulated sometime Tuesday night (bc I had a little discomfort during the night). Well I wake up Wednesday morning and complete my usual routine....pee in a cup, dip the stick, and sit it on the bathroom counter, and go fix breakfast while I wait the 3 minutes for the test to finish. Well I return to check the stick and its gone.........first I think my husband must have thrown it way thinking it was an old one so I turn around to ask him and there stands my dog, Bailey, with the package the stick came in at her feet. I looked every where for the stick and I have concluded that she ate it....like she does EVERYTHING else...lol.... so Ill continue to do the ovulation test every morning until 1) I start my cycle or 2) I get an actual positive result & we will continue trying to conceive....  

Not looking forward to doing another round of clomid, I was super moody and emotional last week, boy am I glad thats over for now and I know so is Greg!

"Mommy time to get up"

Living with Endometriosis

Growing up I always knew that something wasn't right, and no one seemed to understand. I clearly remember my first few cycles and what everyone around me called normal menstrual cramps. I thought of them as more like excruciating contracting and twisting of my lower abdominal organs, pain so bad it would almost always make me sick to my stomach. I was in and out the doctor every month and was told I had "dysmenorrhea" defined as excessive menstrual cramps that interfere with daily activity, and was sent home with extra strength aleve and birth control. Well mine didnt just interfere with daily activity, it interfered with weekly activities, relationships due to the lack of understanding, work & school, and my entire life for at least one week every month.

The worst part about it is no one understood, and they still dont understand. In school I found my self missing school and having to explain my absences because I didnt always have a doctors not (bc I couldnt afford to go to the doctor every month for something they really couldnt do much about but feed me drugs). Even the doctors never seemed to take it as serious as I thought they should. I just couldnt understand why my menstrual cramps seemed so much worse than everyone elses, and I began to thing everyone just thought i was being a baby.  And it isnt just the monthly cramping, due to the scar tissue attaching itself where ever it wants in my abdomen, I experience cramping and pain about 70% of the time in my abdomen, back, and legs, although its not excruciating  - it is annoying and uncomfortable. Also endometriosis makes sex painful which is quite an issue when you are trying to get pregnant. Not only all that....it makes you infertile!

Feeling alone and crazy I began to get bad anxiety every month "waiting" for my menstrual cycle and waiting for the pain........As and adult

It's a...............

So a few posts back I mentioned throwing this baby shower for a dear friend for the pending arrival of baby girl Zaylee. Paige went into labor and delivered this sweet bundle of joy on 11.12.13, well turns out IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, Im still kinda in shock........as Im sure mommy and daddy are too! The family is doing great and at home now with baby boy Titus Monroe Bachellor ~ and he has the cutest button nose I have ever seen :)

This has given me some serious baby fever.....and sent me back into a researching, over analyzing, frenzy......seriously this has got to happen for us soon!! I just cant imagine that it is not meant for us to have children of our own.

I have been off birth control now for over a month and have yet to start my cycle, no ovulation, no cycle and no day 1 so I can start my clomid.......seriously any time i have ever missed a pill in my entire life, i have what seems like a full blown menstrual cycle the next day.....and now we are going on over a month.....my calendar is ready, prescription is in hand, ovulation & pregnancy test are ready, and WE ARE READY!

Greg's appointment for his cryropreservation is Dec 3rd, and we also have a consultation with the fertility clinic that is doing the preservation to discuss options should this trying it on our own doesnt work.....BUT i can't help to be hopeful that this is going to work. I mean give us a break on the first one since we know any future attempts are gonna cost us a bunch of money.....

So we wait.....and hope that one day we get to experience the baby showers, the baby gifts, decorating a nursery, buying diapers, and welcoming baby Pullen.

In the meantime I will continue to fight through the negative feelings, the jealousy, the anger and not let this disease make me a bitter person. So far, so good and thankfully I have a lot of amazing babies, and children in my life that helps me keep my focus on my love for them :)