The next chapter begins....

Since our appointment on the 14th, I have researched and gathered information, talked to doctor offices, insurance companies, prescription savings programs and pharmacies, trying to save as much as possible for our IUI attempt. I have added my short term disability and hospital confinement supplemental insurance policies that will assist me when we have a baby, and considered a Flexible Spending Account to take advantage of tax free money to help pay for medical stuff. My spreadsheet is made and the grand total including travel and hotel to and from Raleigh is $3700.00. Funding has been secured for the process, and our fingers are crossed.

We havent yet decided when we will begin the cycle so Greg and I will sit down this weekend and figure out at date. We will also work on our finances and budgets so we can begin to save some money to be prepared for starting our family.

You would think this process would be exciting, and at times it is. But I can not control my mind from thinking of all the what ifs. What if it doesnt work, what if it works, what if I miscarry, what if I have twins.........    And now a whole new to do list has started in my mind....including stopping drinking diet sundrop....YIKES!!! now that is stressful!!!!

So for those of you who follow or check in occasionally, be prepared to see the good the bad and the ugly of an IUI cycle......Im sure that I am gonna need to do a lot of venting, ranting, and crying in the next few weeks. Prayers and thoughts are much appreciated <3

Dear 2015, please be nice.....

Another year has come and gone. I am so glad 2014 is gone, it was by far the worst year of my life.
Our plans to proceed with IUI/IVF were halted when I was laid off in January, followed by a series of other unplanned obstacles and heartache throughout the year. So Ive been excited and anxious to get started again and I have everything lined up to revive our plans to have a baby, except money. Today was my first appointment since last January with my RE. The appointment was a consultation to discuss our options. My heart is so ready to start a family but my brain tells me Im insane for even thinking its a possibility. I go into the appointment this morning thinking this is it, Im going to do what ever i need to so we cant start this process. I leave thinking this is crazy for even making the appointment, we cant afford this, and every other reason or negative thought has gone through my mind.....


I think its so unfair that I have to pay so much for something that others pay nothing for....I wonder why this is happening to us. All I want is a definite answer, to know if it is even possible for me to get pregnant, are we wasting our money doing something that isn't gonna work? I don;t know how to talk to anyone really about it. I know that there are those that are eager to help us but its so hard to communicate about it and ask for help. I always feel so alone in this, I feel like no realizes how hard it really is. I have an awesome support system of friends and family, so I dont understand why its so hard. I was excited about the appointment today so I actually told a few people I wouldn't normally tell so now I dread their questions and request for updates. I really need to figure out how to open up to others about it besides just putting on a strong happy front to appease them and make them think I'm okay.

I wish I could just say never mind I do not want kids, we are happy the way we are. But even Greg feels something is missing and we both long to feel that void. It just seems so easy to turn around and walk away from it. I don't know what will hurt worse.

The plan is to start and IUI cycle tomorrow.....but I really dont know what I am gonna do. I can not bring my self to ask for help with it due to the amount of money it is gonna take for a "possible" pregnancy. I can not communicate with those I love, including my husband, as I face one of the most important decisions of my life. I do not know if I can handle another day of this infertility struggle. There is so much I need to be doing: pricing medications, filling out grant applications, and lining up funding but the thought of picking up the phone or researching the internet makes me sick to my stomach......and feel so incredibly alone.

10 Things I want people to know about our infertility journey....

So i have been thinking a lot about what I would say if I was given a microphone and one hour to explain to a group of people about our infertility journey. At first I was thinking about what I would tell our friends and family if given the chance but that quickly turned into a list of stuff I would avoid mentioning........So here it goes

10 things I want people to know about me and infertility

1)  This journey makes me feel bi-polar. The emotional roller coaster has been ridiculous, one day Im hopeful, optimistic, excited and the next im depressed, sad, negative, and mentally drained. One day I can enjoy talking about everything and sharing our story and the next I want to slap anybody that asks about it. So I hope that if someone catches me on that bad day they dont take it personal and realize that although we just had a pleasant talk about everything an hour ago doesnt mean I want to talk about it now and please dont misunderstand my emotions and reactions. Im trying to get through these hard times and not inconvenience everyone around me. Please understand if "I just dont feel like" doing things. Usually Ill make some excuse like i have to clean the house or something....and its really nothing personal I just mentally need to be alone.

2) Every time I take a pregnancy test I feel like Im gonna puke while waiting for the results, and every time its negative my heart is broken as if I have lost a part of me. Its the exact same feeling I have felt when I have lost a loved one, except for it happens every single month......the grief is real, and it makes "starting over" and trying again every month very hard. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just give up on our dream of having kids. I have never done a pregnancy test when anyone (including Greg) is around. I never want anyone to be around to see that, and its something I feel like is better delt with alone because no one could possibly understand it.

3) Sex.....sure everyone loves sex..

Time to dust the cobwebs off.....

I have definitely noticed a pattern in me and this blog. It seems the better I am doing the more I write, and the past 2 months have been the hardest months in coping with infertility...... however today I write because I need to get this all out of my mind, even if it makes me feel a little better temporarily...which

Kid's birthdays, baby showers, pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, school graduations (pre k, kindergarten, and high school), college bound teenagers ARE EVERYWHERE....not to mention movies about babies or even those that touch on infertility but fails to show the real heartache and struggle it includes... and I sit here and wonder if it will ever be us..... or are we just meant to live vicariously through everyone else and settle for enjoying everyone else's kids. I can't imagine that is god's plan for us, I just don't believe that this is the path we are meant to take. I try to talk myself into the benefits of a "child free" life, or adoption but it makes me nauseous to think that is our only option, so for not I have decided to keep those thoughts out of my mind, because that is not an option for my heart.

We haven't exhausted all of our options yet but the options and decisions we have left to make scare the hell out of me. First of all we have to wait till

1st Public Infertility Post.....

POSTED....

My heart is still racing and while I was typing the post I was in tears.....these dang emotions are ridiculous. I don't know where all that anxiety and fear came from, it was just a very basic post that took me almost and hour to press the post button. My mind continues to race wonder what people are gonna think and say, hoping that they really read the article before the comment or say one of those horrible phrases "just relax" "try this" or "just adopt". Not to mention this is so not like me, there is very little about myself that I do not share and there is nothing else that gives me this much anxiety to share with people. There are a few that I share most of this stuff with but there are still things that only Greg and I know, and actually there are somethings that I dont even think Ive mentioned to Greg. I sometimes wish I could shout out to the world how much this sucks, how bad it sucks to be on a schedule, how bad daily in hormone medications and injections make you feel, how I hate having to wake up and take my temperature every morning or pee on a stick two weeks out of the month, not to mention having to take pregnancy test even though you know what it is going to say. Diseases tend to have alot of "unknown" about them, but dealing with a diseases that is not considered a disease by many including insurance companies or the government, is not taken seriously by many because "you can always adopt", has limited financial assistance, and forget about emotion support from friends and family. How can anyone possibly understand what we are going through if they havent been through this.  I keep hearing my phone give me facebook notifications of activity but Im scared to check them.....I know we both have awesome family and friends, so you would think this would be easier. Maybe one day it will be, and maybe one day I can help others who are struggling with Infertility find their voice, but first I have to find mine.

Posted 4.22.14 ~  1:29pm

Happy Easter....

Day 1 of National Fertility Awareness Week, and Easter Sunday. Usual morning cup of coffee and facebook stalking....however today is different, its another one of those "holidays" that I fight back the emotion as I watch everyone wake up to the excitement of their children, getting them all dressed up for church and the daily festivities. I become jealous of everyone that gets to experience this and find myself getting a little angry and overwhelmed and just want to crawl into bed and stay there all day and wait for this day to be over. Some holidays are harder than others, today I just keep thinking that I get to go to  my grandma's house (my little happy place over the river and through the woods - literally!), I get to spend the day with my parents, siblings, and all of my nieces. Then I realize its gonna be worse if I decide to stay in bed and watch the pictures of my nieces pop up in my facebook feed instead of being there with them. So Im up, cooking my designated dishes for Easter dinner, getting ready to go pick up my sister and niece, and will just have to suck it up. Ill have all night to be depressed and sad, while I cuddle up with  my husband, my doggies and a bottle of wine.

Starting tomorrow, I will have to rebuild my courage to share my story and my blog publicly as very few people close to me know about this. My husband knows about it and Ive showed it to him (months ago) but Im sure he has thought nothing else of it since them, and I really dont discuss the blog with him. But I think its important that I do share it, I know there are so many in our lives that we dont keep updated are curious but afraid to ask. I also know that the few that know arent really sure how to react to it, how to bring it up, or what questions to ask which causes an awkwardness when around them. Of course I have been saying for a long time that I was going to share it, so we will see what happens.

Happy Easter everyone!!! Rant is complete, tears have stopped, now back to cooking and getting ready for a day full of family and easter eggs!

"Financially Infertile"

I read this term somewhere a few months back...."Financially Infertile" aka the inability to conceive due to lack of money to do so. Currently I am struggling with the decision to attempt an IUI cycle which will use one of the two vials of preserved semen we have. If we do the IUI and it works we have saved alot of money.....however if we attempt it and it doesnt work we have essentially utilized alot money, time, and very valuable sperm. Then we have IVF, if we attempt one cycle of IVF and it works it will be worth every penny of the thousands of dollars, then there is the chance that it doesnt work; the embryo doesnt implant, it implants but i miscarry, and so many other things that could go wrong....and our only option is to start all over again.

We still have no clue what is keeping me from becoming pregnant, there are still so many things that could be wrong or go wrong and the IVF and IUI are not a guarantee that I will conceive. Of course I have the obvious Endometriosis and cyst that could be responsible for alot of things but unless I opt for invasive procedures that may or may not work I am left with the unknown and risk of it affecting my ability to conceive.

Then on the financial side of things my brain tells me I need to hold off on everything until i secure employment after being laid off in January, but
 my heart tells me I need to keep going. I have heard people my whole life say "if you wait to you can afford it you never will". I see people everyday having kids in worse situations that we are in. Although I dont have a job we have managed so far with minimum help and are very lucky to have parents that are able and willing to help.  But it is one thing to ask with help for the essentials that we need, than it is to ask for help to complete our family. I have began the process of the grant applications, and thought of many ways to raise money for the IVF. So many people have offered to help and suggested a fundraising site such as gofundme, and one side of me says go for it and if they want and can help they will, but the other side of me says that is crazy to ask people for help. I feel like there are so many people out there that need help with things more important than my desire to have children. But I dont know how else to do it.....I have no clue how we are going to come up with $15,000 for one cycle of IVF that MIGHT work, or if it does I have to come up with it all over again if I want to have another child. Of course having a family will be worth every penny but its coming up with those pennies that are a struggle for me. Im afraid that the financial side of things have become so stressful that it may affect my ability to conceive and if it doesnt work Im not sure how I would recover and start all over knowing we already owe money for a cycle that didnt work and risk doubling that for another 50/50 chance.

You can not put a price tag on a child and having a family of your own and one day I will figure it all out, but for now it is on my mind every day trying to figure out ways to make it work. I wish I had the ability to finance it on my own and I wouldn't think twice, but asking for help financing this from others is overwhelming. Im so afraid that if I wait to long then my biological clock is gonna expire so my heart tells me I have to move forward now regardless of my job situation and accept help from those willing, but my brain tells me I am crazy to do this without a job and unfair of me to ask others for assistance especially when I do not have a job..............I wake up ever morning and search my brain to see if I have it all figured out yet, maybe one day I will just make that decision and go for it, until then Ill continue to ramble on back and forth on what I should do.